Here we go again...

So, Tuesday I had my 6 month mammogram recheck. I have to go every 6 months because I have fibrocystic breasts and there is a lump in my left one that they are CAREFULLY monitoring.

Well, I noticed before my last 'cycle' it had become HUGE! I mean, took up the whole left side of my breast HUGE! But, a few days later it shrunk again. Still, I let Michael feel it and he about jumped out of the chair. He screamed, "You better have that looked at!" I giggled and told him it's a cyst - they grow and shrink along with my hormones. Besides I go for my mammogram on Tuesday.

So, I tell the radiologist that story and she brings the films back to the dr. She comes back and says, "I'll say its grown and on top of that, you now have a lump in the right breast." My response? "I knew it grew, but it went down from where it was 2 weeks ago - that's good, right?" SHe agreed and added, "We need to take accurate measurements of the one we've been watching, make sure the fluid still looks clear, and then verify that the new one in the right IS just a cyst." Normally, she would've taken me right over to the ultrasound room, but NOT that day. She was completely booked and now I have to wait until Monday at 11am to have it done.

I have to admit I'm a little more nervous than usual, but I also understand everything is in God's hands and worrying will do nothing but give me a migraine and an ulcer. So, I'll do my best to take deep breaths and wait to have the answer.

In the meantime, asking for some additional prayers would be appreciated - thanks.

...and suddenly I'm 5 again

I am a 42 year old woman, a wife and a mother of two boys ages 17 and 11. I own a house, and have the same full time job (for 12 years now). I have a dog, a cat and admittedly so, several dust bunnies. I consider myself kind, compassionate and understanding. I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally and to have a teenage son and a pre-teen that both look forward to spending time with me. I think I've done okay in my life and on a whole I think I'm a decent person. I thrive to live by the golden rule and apply it in all aspects of my life (both professionally and personally). Yes, I have faults and lots of them; but to name just a few: I'm stubborn, shy, and don't trust people very easily. But when I feel I can trust you, and I open my heart to someone, they have my heart completely - nothing held back and I will drop everything to help them if they need me to. All in all, I am a well rounded individual, who has their head screwed on right and who tries to live in a christian way.

So, explain to me how my father can confront me about something (out of the blue) and suddenly I feel like a 5 year old child again? During this "confrontation" I stood there, looking at him, praying for him to finish, just so I could run away and cry. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

I am an adult and should have gave it right back to him, but instead he made me feel like I was a horrible daughter (not once, but twice in this conversation) when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I am anything BUT that. But, there I was, standing in my office parking lot, ready to go home for the day, when I swear I felt myself shrink, my clothes hang on me, and I was transformed back to my childhood days again.

On the rare occasion that the unfair guilt trip disappears for a moment, I find myself angry - angry that I didn't stand up for myself, or better yet...just say, "I'm not listening to this crap - with the recent storms, flooding, friendships finalized, inlaw issues, and today's 6 month mammogram recheck - I DONT NEED THIS!"

Why didn't I just be the adult that HE raised me to be and stand up for myself, and leave with my head held high? Why?

Songs hit you the hardest...

So, it's been almost 1 year and 3 months since I've lost my sister. I've come a long way, if I do say so myself. I can look at pictures and miss her, but not cry. I can remember something she said, or recall an argument we had, and be okay with it. I've accepted the fact that our relationship was rocky, but I loved her, and she loved me, and know that I am blessed for the time I had her, frequently thanking God for giving her to me as a sister.

I've grown from the whole experience. I am still living my new way of NOT holding grudges, and I forgive so much easier, even if the person hasn't asked for forgiveness.

But even if you've never lost anyone close to you before, you all know how certain things can trigger memories of someone. It can be a scent, or a song, or even seeing a movie that you know is someone's all-time favorite.

I haven't "cried" over Cindy in months. Yes, I've gotten teary-eyed, at times, but I haven't broke down and "cried" in a while. That is, until church on Saturday.

We are still trying to get comfortable in our new parish. It is even more difficult to get used to our priest, because shortly after we joined, he had surgery and we've had a fill in priest instead.

To our surprise, the regular priest did the mass on Saturday, and I was happy to see him. I mean, I just want some type of stability where our spiritual life is right now, you know?

So, everything is going along fine. He does his homily and then the organist starts to play the offeratory song. When they announced it was "Be Not Afraid" my heart sank. I hadn't heard that song in over a year, and the last time I heard it was when were walking into church, following my sister's casket.

I took deep breaths, tried to keep my composure for my famiy's sake, and my own. Their was a gap in the congregation, and where I was sitting, the priest had a direct view OF ME! I kept blinking, and looking up. Breathing and trying to think of something else. But at last, I LOST. One tear rolled down my face, followed by a steady stream. I wasn't "ugly" crying or even crying hard...they were just rolling down and I couldn't stop them.

Christopher was looking at me horrified. The priest was looking, even though I was avoiding eye contact, the people next to me were trying to figure out what happened. It was AWKWARD to say the least.

When mass was over, the people sitting next to me say, "Sorry about the kneeler, I didn't think about checking first." I smile and say, "It's fine," but then I realized, 'OMG, they think they put the kneeler on my foot and I was crying over that??!!!!' I felt awful, but what was I going to do, say, "Oh, it's okay, I'm just crying over my late sister?" I.don't.think.so.

So, FINALLY, we are leaving, Chris asked what was wrong and is asking if HE did something. Feeling myself getting choked up and not being in the privacy of my car yet, I just said, "No, honey, it's not you...I'll tell you later."

Nick and his girlfriend finally see me and Nick yells out, "OH MY GOSH, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU??!!" Smooth, Nick, real smooth, but I couldn't help but giggle.

Once we were in the car I told them. Michael, along with everyone else, had no idea. They didn't even remember that song being played at her funeral. My response?

"Of course not, I didn't think you would. She was MY sister, not yours. Just know, if I ever break down in church like that, it's most likely something with Cindy."

We went out to dinner after that and the rest of the night I was fine.

I guess I just have to realize I will never FULLY get over the loss of my sister, and Saturday night is proof that music can touch your heart and soul, deeper, than you can even imagine.

Lazy teenagers....

When I was a teenager, I was biting at the bit to get a car and go, go, GOOOOO! I got a job as soon as I could, and walked 2 miles to get there. I worked (illegally) until midnight, and my Dad would pick me up. (Illegally because until you were 18 you couldn't work past 10pm) I got up, went to school, took the bus home, changed, and walked the 2 miles BACK to work to do it all over again.

I wanted the freedom.

I wanted the independence.

And mostly, I wanted the MONEY.

Nicholas got his permit a few months ago, March I believe. He can go for his driving test in September. Thing is...the kid has no interest in getting a job. Original discussions were: We aren't buying his first car. We've told him we can't afford to get our gas, AND HIS, and I told him he had to get his own insurance, because I'll be damned if he kills someone and they take my house because he's on MY policy. Cheaper or not, THAT is NOT going to happen.

Since that initial discussion things have changed. I realize with the gas prices etc, there is no way a kid working part time, making minimum wage, is going to be able to afford EVERYTHING. So, I realized we would have to help him somewhere. First thought, was insurance; he'd have his own policy, but we'd pay for it.

I spoke with the insurance company last week, and they informed me that until he is 18, whether he is on his own policy or not, guess what, they CAN and WILL still come after my house if he kills someone. So, why pay an excessive amount of money to have him on his own policy if they can come after ME anyway, right? Okay, so, now he's going on OUR policy *gulp*

We tossed around the idea of having him take over Michael's car payments and Michael can upgrade, because by the time he gets his license, his car will have close, if not over 100,000 miles on it. Thing is, we're not sure his minimum wage salary can pay that payment - so now we are thinking he should just get a clunker for his first car. I had a clunker for my first car - so why shouldn't he, right? I mean, my first car was a 76? Honda civic piece of $hit. I remember going to work and having to lift the hood to "roach clip" some wires to a piece of metal so.my.fan.would.work!!!!! So heck, yeah, he can deal with a clunker too.

So you all know he just came back from paintball/airsoft camp. He loved it!! L.O.V.E.D. it!!!! He wants to join a league, and all this other stuff. Michael turned to him and said, "All that cost money. You need to start paying for stuff yourself. GET A JOB!!!!" He says, "I need a car to get a job". WHAT?!?

What aggrevates more is I could most likely get him a job in the Dollar store down the street, because his grandmother works at one in a different area....It is a little over a mile from the house and definetely doable.

So, I yell, "WALK! I walked to my first job."
He says, "I'm not walking in the rain."
That is the stupidest thing I ever heard of, so I say, "Grandma just moved down the street, if it's raining call her!"
"I'm not doing that."

So, all I can say is he has GOT to be one of the laziest teenagers I have ever met!!! I mean seriously, why isn't he jumping up and down to get a car, and have the freedom?

Doesn't he crave the day that he doesn't have to ask if I can take him to his girlfriends, or his friends house? Only to be pissed when half the time I can't do it; and if I can't do it - he CAN'T go! Doesn't he just want to say, "Hey going to so and so's," and leave?

Is it me?

Am I missing something?

Is he lazy, spoiled, or just demented in thinking that we'll cave and pay for his car, gas, insurance, paintball camp, bowling and everything else he wants to do?

Did I do something wrong, or is it just the modern day teenager????

I'm such a...MOM!

I always thought I was a pretty cool mom. I listen to every type of music, watch most of the 'in' shows, handle all the techy things that go wrong in the house, encourage my kids to try new things, whether their other friends approve or not, and I am their #1 cheerleader.

Yesterday, Nick left for paintball and airsoft camp. It is the first time he is away for several days, that I can recall. He went with a friend of his and his mom took them, booked a hotel 6 miles from the event, and is staying there so she doesn't have to get up at 5am everyday to get them to the place by 7am.

I know he was looking forward to it for days! The mom, April, texted me this morning, and said they were soo excited, they could barely sleep. It really is a cool thing they are going to; they get to escape from a prison and try and get away through the woods, it's an awesome course and to be honest...I kinda wish I was there too, hahaha.

All this sound wonderful, right? Yes, it does, and it IS - so why am I literally freaking out?!

All I could think of last night was him falling and cracking his head open. Or more likely, not dehydrating himself during 100 degree temperatures, and getting heat stroke or heat exhaustion. I keep waiting for the phone to ring with bad news and I H.A.T.E. it!!

So, now I must hang up my ultra cool mom cap and officially wear the I am a worry wart mom cap instead...

It WASN'T me!!!!

The lack of my blogging was NOT my fault. For some reason I've had this ongoing battle with blogger and it's kicking.my.butt!!!!!

So, it would appear that now I have to play catch up (once again) *sigh*

Let's see...where did I leave you off. Oh, Jeanie.

Yeah, I've washed my hands of that situation. It hurts, and I'm still BEYOND confused as to what exactly happened - but life is too short and too stressful to add immature behavior into the mix. So....fuck it!

My brother's movie 'Aversion the movie' got accepted into a film festival YAY!!!! It's in Montreal and I still need to talk to him about the "details" Wish him luck, please! ;)

I got a new car - Yes, Kim, AGAIN!!!! I stayed with the Traverse, just got a 2011 with a lot of the options I wanted last time around. Having a few minor issues and the sales dude WON'T CALL ME BACK! Gotta love it! And to make matters worse I left a Josh Groban CD in the car. This is the 2nd time I've traded in a car and left one of HIS cd's in it!!! Am I sending myself a subliminal message or something??? LOL

Speaking of Josh Groban, in a few weeks I will be holding the 3rd Annual Mallow convention at my house and I'm sooo excited for it. We usually just have a little reunion, barely talk about Groban at all, and then go bowling and eat chinese food with my family, but this year - things will be different. This year we pushed the convention back 2 weeks, and we not only get to see him at the Philly concert TOGETHER (which is going to be AMAZING!!!!) we also get to see the movie he is in TOGETHER because it opens that weekend. I think we are all going to be Joshed once again. At least I hope so, because, if I'm being honest, I'm sort of 'over him' :( So, I REALLY need this to AWAKEn me *gigglesnort*

Got news last night that a girlfriend of mine from school passed away last night. I cried. It was just so heartbreaking. Not sure of the details yet, but I know she had a heart condition her whole life. But look at Cindy, her medical problems aren't what killed her, pneumonia did. Just goes to show you, you don't know how much time you have, so enjoy every second of it, live life like its your last day, and hug your loved ones every day.

Hey, the sales guy just called me back. It's amazing what a call from your husband can do *eye roll* But hey, I'm going in to the shop tomorrow - life is looking up!

Dying friendships...

So, I emailed Jeanie again yesterday. Said, "gee you never responded to my last email; must've gotten lost in cyberspace." Yes, I'm playing dumb. But if your mad at me - tell me that. I can't fix something if I don't know how it got broken.

When I didn't get a response, I decided to text her this morning. I figure, I'll annoy the hell out of her until she finally says, "LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE!!!" I texted her this..."I've got an itch to go to go Hershey park. Can you get a day off of work and we'll take the kids, like we did last year." She responded, she responded. She said, "Sorry, taking adam and 3 of his friends in a few weeks."

Ooookay. Obviously, this woman wants Adam to stay away from the bad influence of Nick because he's supposed to be Adams bff and he wasn't included? So, I responded with :( okay, have a good time.

I don't know what else to do. I mean, I will always be grateful for what she did for me, but am I supposed to BEG to be friends with this woman, who obviously doesn't want to be friends anymore.

I just wish I knew WHY our friendship is ending....and I'm sure some of you are saying, WHY do you care after what she did to you ON MOTHER'S DAY - but it goes back to what she did for me. I guess I feel I sort of "owe" her or something??? I don't know. All I know is I feel like this friendship is hanging on by a thread and instead of trying to help sew it together, she's got the cutting it with the scissors.

Am I completely over-reacting here?

My priest left this past weekend. I couldn't go to his final mass, so I went to the little house on the prarie one up the street. Nick insisted on going to say goodbye, so Michael took him, and I sent along a card of thanks etc.

I called the church this morning, told them we are leaving the parish and took Nick off the altar boy list. Called the new church and had to leave a message *sigh* Emailed the lady about CCD classes for Chris and now I just wait to start the new chapter of my spiritual life.

Patience is NOT one of my good qualities....