Back to the real world

Turns out we finished the apartment in one day. We scheduled Goodwill to come and pick everything up. Furniture, clothes, CD's the works. Cindy would've wanted all the stuff donated to charity and so did we.

Jeff drives me and my mom half way and my husband meets us. We have a quick lunch and then say our good-byes to Jeff. One thing my mother and I have both noticed is, as a family, we seem almost addicted to each other and the moment one is out of sight we start to panic. We know this is normal, but it's all new to us.

Once home, my Dad is there waiting for us. I know my parents relationship, and I know how my Dad is, so I tell my Mom, if she needs me, to call, any time, any day, doesn't matter and I will be there.

It's weird being home. Over the past week I was going with the flow, disconnecting myself from the emotion just to get through it, and running around non-stop. Now my life goes on - without my sister.

I stand at the counter opening the countless sympathy cards, surprised at some of the people that sent them and disappointed that certain people didn't. I honestly, don't remember the rest of that first day back - I think I was just there.

The next morning, I wake up and shortly after that, my phone rings. It's my mother - she doesn't say any words, but I know she needs me.

"I'm on my way," I say, and hang up. I run to the bedroom, and my husband is looking at me. I explain, "My mom needs me. I gotta go. I'll be back as soon as I can."

He's looking at me like I have three heads. "She's hysterical. I just can't leave her there, I have to be with her."

It ticks me off a bit that he doesn't 'get it', but I don't care. At the moment my priorities have shifted. I kiss everyone good-bye and head out to my parents.

I see my mom, embrace her and she sobs. Then she tells me she was going through all of Cindy's bills, to call the companies and tell them she had passed away, and she was just getting completely overwhelmed. I take 1/2 the stack and say, "I'll call these, you call those."

After my first phone call. I step outside and call my husband. "I just need to help her with some of these bills and then Ill be home."

"We have bills to do too, you know."

I'm floored. What the hell is wrong with him? This isn't how he normally is, at all.

"I understand that, but we can do them when I get home, or, YOU can do them. My mother just lost her daughter and she needs me right now. I'll be home as soon as I can."

On the way home, I called my girlfriend, Jeanie. I have failed to mentioned that from the day I found out my sister died, she had been my rock.

She had lost her brother about 4 years earlier and it was such a comfort to talk to someone that KNEW what I was experiencing. She even came with me when I had to go shopping for things for the funeral. I had decided since Cindy LOVED the color pink, we'd all wear something pink, so I got pink ties for my husband and kids, and pink accessories for me and my Mom. I don't think I would've gotten through that shopping spree, or any of this, without her.

So, I call her and tell her what happened. She's just as confused as I am - it really is out of character for him to be like that. I decide to brush it off - little did I know that was just the beginning.

Over the next several days, I have my meltdowns...each time my ten year old coming to comfort me and my husband walking away. On the worst day I call Jeanie and sob hysterically to her. I am seriously having a panic attack, as I think about the possibility of going through the next 40 years without my sister. How can I go through 40 years without ever hearing her voice, or talking to her again? She talks to me - stays on the phone for as long as I need her, and then we hang up.

I thank God for her - she keeps me sane...Especially since I am starting to feel that I lost my husband, right along with my sister.