The first holiday without Cindy

So, the first big holiday without Cindy has come and gone, and I have to say it went really, really well. Whereas, I thought I'd spend the majority of the day in tears, I didn't cry once. Throughout the day things would happen, and I could swear I could hear her voice, and maybe that's why it didn't affect me the way I expected - because I felt like she was there? I don't know - but one thing I do know, is at times I felt, and still do, feel guilty for not crying. I know without a shadow of a doubt, that's what she would've wanted, but still it lingers there, taunting me - that damn guilt. I guess I don't want her looking down and thinking that her not being there didn't matter, that she wasn't missed, because believe me she was, but I just can't shake feeling a little guilty over it.

During Cindy's funeral, the priest said that Cindy would continue to be with us. She'd give us signs, (like her patting me on the head) and she'd also appear to us in dreams.

I had a dream of her Saturday night.

She was hanging out with me and Jeff. Hanging out with us like we now know she used to hang with her friends. She was hanging out with us as the Cindy we never knew. Then the dream switched to her walking several yards in front of us, unstable, stumbling, and eventually falling. I ran to her and the next scene was my mother delivering her baby, right there, along side the curb. Oddly, when he was born he was a black baby. I held him in my arms, looked down at him, and then I woke up.

I don't know much about dream interpretation other than if you dream of a birth it means death. So, if anyone has insight into the meaning of dreams, please feel free to share.