Here we go again...

So, Tuesday I had my 6 month mammogram recheck. I have to go every 6 months because I have fibrocystic breasts and there is a lump in my left one that they are CAREFULLY monitoring.

Well, I noticed before my last 'cycle' it had become HUGE! I mean, took up the whole left side of my breast HUGE! But, a few days later it shrunk again. Still, I let Michael feel it and he about jumped out of the chair. He screamed, "You better have that looked at!" I giggled and told him it's a cyst - they grow and shrink along with my hormones. Besides I go for my mammogram on Tuesday.

So, I tell the radiologist that story and she brings the films back to the dr. She comes back and says, "I'll say its grown and on top of that, you now have a lump in the right breast." My response? "I knew it grew, but it went down from where it was 2 weeks ago - that's good, right?" SHe agreed and added, "We need to take accurate measurements of the one we've been watching, make sure the fluid still looks clear, and then verify that the new one in the right IS just a cyst." Normally, she would've taken me right over to the ultrasound room, but NOT that day. She was completely booked and now I have to wait until Monday at 11am to have it done.

I have to admit I'm a little more nervous than usual, but I also understand everything is in God's hands and worrying will do nothing but give me a migraine and an ulcer. So, I'll do my best to take deep breaths and wait to have the answer.

In the meantime, asking for some additional prayers would be appreciated - thanks.

...and suddenly I'm 5 again

I am a 42 year old woman, a wife and a mother of two boys ages 17 and 11. I own a house, and have the same full time job (for 12 years now). I have a dog, a cat and admittedly so, several dust bunnies. I consider myself kind, compassionate and understanding. I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally and to have a teenage son and a pre-teen that both look forward to spending time with me. I think I've done okay in my life and on a whole I think I'm a decent person. I thrive to live by the golden rule and apply it in all aspects of my life (both professionally and personally). Yes, I have faults and lots of them; but to name just a few: I'm stubborn, shy, and don't trust people very easily. But when I feel I can trust you, and I open my heart to someone, they have my heart completely - nothing held back and I will drop everything to help them if they need me to. All in all, I am a well rounded individual, who has their head screwed on right and who tries to live in a christian way.

So, explain to me how my father can confront me about something (out of the blue) and suddenly I feel like a 5 year old child again? During this "confrontation" I stood there, looking at him, praying for him to finish, just so I could run away and cry. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

I am an adult and should have gave it right back to him, but instead he made me feel like I was a horrible daughter (not once, but twice in this conversation) when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I am anything BUT that. But, there I was, standing in my office parking lot, ready to go home for the day, when I swear I felt myself shrink, my clothes hang on me, and I was transformed back to my childhood days again.

On the rare occasion that the unfair guilt trip disappears for a moment, I find myself angry - angry that I didn't stand up for myself, or better yet...just say, "I'm not listening to this crap - with the recent storms, flooding, friendships finalized, inlaw issues, and today's 6 month mammogram recheck - I DONT NEED THIS!"

Why didn't I just be the adult that HE raised me to be and stand up for myself, and leave with my head held high? Why?

Songs hit you the hardest...

So, it's been almost 1 year and 3 months since I've lost my sister. I've come a long way, if I do say so myself. I can look at pictures and miss her, but not cry. I can remember something she said, or recall an argument we had, and be okay with it. I've accepted the fact that our relationship was rocky, but I loved her, and she loved me, and know that I am blessed for the time I had her, frequently thanking God for giving her to me as a sister.

I've grown from the whole experience. I am still living my new way of NOT holding grudges, and I forgive so much easier, even if the person hasn't asked for forgiveness.

But even if you've never lost anyone close to you before, you all know how certain things can trigger memories of someone. It can be a scent, or a song, or even seeing a movie that you know is someone's all-time favorite.

I haven't "cried" over Cindy in months. Yes, I've gotten teary-eyed, at times, but I haven't broke down and "cried" in a while. That is, until church on Saturday.

We are still trying to get comfortable in our new parish. It is even more difficult to get used to our priest, because shortly after we joined, he had surgery and we've had a fill in priest instead.

To our surprise, the regular priest did the mass on Saturday, and I was happy to see him. I mean, I just want some type of stability where our spiritual life is right now, you know?

So, everything is going along fine. He does his homily and then the organist starts to play the offeratory song. When they announced it was "Be Not Afraid" my heart sank. I hadn't heard that song in over a year, and the last time I heard it was when were walking into church, following my sister's casket.

I took deep breaths, tried to keep my composure for my famiy's sake, and my own. Their was a gap in the congregation, and where I was sitting, the priest had a direct view OF ME! I kept blinking, and looking up. Breathing and trying to think of something else. But at last, I LOST. One tear rolled down my face, followed by a steady stream. I wasn't "ugly" crying or even crying hard...they were just rolling down and I couldn't stop them.

Christopher was looking at me horrified. The priest was looking, even though I was avoiding eye contact, the people next to me were trying to figure out what happened. It was AWKWARD to say the least.

When mass was over, the people sitting next to me say, "Sorry about the kneeler, I didn't think about checking first." I smile and say, "It's fine," but then I realized, 'OMG, they think they put the kneeler on my foot and I was crying over that??!!!!' I felt awful, but what was I going to do, say, "Oh, it's okay, I'm just crying over my late sister?" I.don't.think.so.

So, FINALLY, we are leaving, Chris asked what was wrong and is asking if HE did something. Feeling myself getting choked up and not being in the privacy of my car yet, I just said, "No, honey, it's not you...I'll tell you later."

Nick and his girlfriend finally see me and Nick yells out, "OH MY GOSH, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU??!!" Smooth, Nick, real smooth, but I couldn't help but giggle.

Once we were in the car I told them. Michael, along with everyone else, had no idea. They didn't even remember that song being played at her funeral. My response?

"Of course not, I didn't think you would. She was MY sister, not yours. Just know, if I ever break down in church like that, it's most likely something with Cindy."

We went out to dinner after that and the rest of the night I was fine.

I guess I just have to realize I will never FULLY get over the loss of my sister, and Saturday night is proof that music can touch your heart and soul, deeper, than you can even imagine.

Lazy teenagers....

When I was a teenager, I was biting at the bit to get a car and go, go, GOOOOO! I got a job as soon as I could, and walked 2 miles to get there. I worked (illegally) until midnight, and my Dad would pick me up. (Illegally because until you were 18 you couldn't work past 10pm) I got up, went to school, took the bus home, changed, and walked the 2 miles BACK to work to do it all over again.

I wanted the freedom.

I wanted the independence.

And mostly, I wanted the MONEY.

Nicholas got his permit a few months ago, March I believe. He can go for his driving test in September. Thing is...the kid has no interest in getting a job. Original discussions were: We aren't buying his first car. We've told him we can't afford to get our gas, AND HIS, and I told him he had to get his own insurance, because I'll be damned if he kills someone and they take my house because he's on MY policy. Cheaper or not, THAT is NOT going to happen.

Since that initial discussion things have changed. I realize with the gas prices etc, there is no way a kid working part time, making minimum wage, is going to be able to afford EVERYTHING. So, I realized we would have to help him somewhere. First thought, was insurance; he'd have his own policy, but we'd pay for it.

I spoke with the insurance company last week, and they informed me that until he is 18, whether he is on his own policy or not, guess what, they CAN and WILL still come after my house if he kills someone. So, why pay an excessive amount of money to have him on his own policy if they can come after ME anyway, right? Okay, so, now he's going on OUR policy *gulp*

We tossed around the idea of having him take over Michael's car payments and Michael can upgrade, because by the time he gets his license, his car will have close, if not over 100,000 miles on it. Thing is, we're not sure his minimum wage salary can pay that payment - so now we are thinking he should just get a clunker for his first car. I had a clunker for my first car - so why shouldn't he, right? I mean, my first car was a 76? Honda civic piece of $hit. I remember going to work and having to lift the hood to "roach clip" some wires to a piece of metal so.my.fan.would.work!!!!! So heck, yeah, he can deal with a clunker too.

So you all know he just came back from paintball/airsoft camp. He loved it!! L.O.V.E.D. it!!!! He wants to join a league, and all this other stuff. Michael turned to him and said, "All that cost money. You need to start paying for stuff yourself. GET A JOB!!!!" He says, "I need a car to get a job". WHAT?!?

What aggrevates more is I could most likely get him a job in the Dollar store down the street, because his grandmother works at one in a different area....It is a little over a mile from the house and definetely doable.

So, I yell, "WALK! I walked to my first job."
He says, "I'm not walking in the rain."
That is the stupidest thing I ever heard of, so I say, "Grandma just moved down the street, if it's raining call her!"
"I'm not doing that."

So, all I can say is he has GOT to be one of the laziest teenagers I have ever met!!! I mean seriously, why isn't he jumping up and down to get a car, and have the freedom?

Doesn't he crave the day that he doesn't have to ask if I can take him to his girlfriends, or his friends house? Only to be pissed when half the time I can't do it; and if I can't do it - he CAN'T go! Doesn't he just want to say, "Hey going to so and so's," and leave?

Is it me?

Am I missing something?

Is he lazy, spoiled, or just demented in thinking that we'll cave and pay for his car, gas, insurance, paintball camp, bowling and everything else he wants to do?

Did I do something wrong, or is it just the modern day teenager????

I'm such a...MOM!

I always thought I was a pretty cool mom. I listen to every type of music, watch most of the 'in' shows, handle all the techy things that go wrong in the house, encourage my kids to try new things, whether their other friends approve or not, and I am their #1 cheerleader.

Yesterday, Nick left for paintball and airsoft camp. It is the first time he is away for several days, that I can recall. He went with a friend of his and his mom took them, booked a hotel 6 miles from the event, and is staying there so she doesn't have to get up at 5am everyday to get them to the place by 7am.

I know he was looking forward to it for days! The mom, April, texted me this morning, and said they were soo excited, they could barely sleep. It really is a cool thing they are going to; they get to escape from a prison and try and get away through the woods, it's an awesome course and to be honest...I kinda wish I was there too, hahaha.

All this sound wonderful, right? Yes, it does, and it IS - so why am I literally freaking out?!

All I could think of last night was him falling and cracking his head open. Or more likely, not dehydrating himself during 100 degree temperatures, and getting heat stroke or heat exhaustion. I keep waiting for the phone to ring with bad news and I H.A.T.E. it!!

So, now I must hang up my ultra cool mom cap and officially wear the I am a worry wart mom cap instead...

It WASN'T me!!!!

The lack of my blogging was NOT my fault. For some reason I've had this ongoing battle with blogger and it's kicking.my.butt!!!!!

So, it would appear that now I have to play catch up (once again) *sigh*

Let's see...where did I leave you off. Oh, Jeanie.

Yeah, I've washed my hands of that situation. It hurts, and I'm still BEYOND confused as to what exactly happened - but life is too short and too stressful to add immature behavior into the mix. So....fuck it!

My brother's movie 'Aversion the movie' got accepted into a film festival YAY!!!! It's in Montreal and I still need to talk to him about the "details" Wish him luck, please! ;)

I got a new car - Yes, Kim, AGAIN!!!! I stayed with the Traverse, just got a 2011 with a lot of the options I wanted last time around. Having a few minor issues and the sales dude WON'T CALL ME BACK! Gotta love it! And to make matters worse I left a Josh Groban CD in the car. This is the 2nd time I've traded in a car and left one of HIS cd's in it!!! Am I sending myself a subliminal message or something??? LOL

Speaking of Josh Groban, in a few weeks I will be holding the 3rd Annual Mallow convention at my house and I'm sooo excited for it. We usually just have a little reunion, barely talk about Groban at all, and then go bowling and eat chinese food with my family, but this year - things will be different. This year we pushed the convention back 2 weeks, and we not only get to see him at the Philly concert TOGETHER (which is going to be AMAZING!!!!) we also get to see the movie he is in TOGETHER because it opens that weekend. I think we are all going to be Joshed once again. At least I hope so, because, if I'm being honest, I'm sort of 'over him' :( So, I REALLY need this to AWAKEn me *gigglesnort*

Got news last night that a girlfriend of mine from school passed away last night. I cried. It was just so heartbreaking. Not sure of the details yet, but I know she had a heart condition her whole life. But look at Cindy, her medical problems aren't what killed her, pneumonia did. Just goes to show you, you don't know how much time you have, so enjoy every second of it, live life like its your last day, and hug your loved ones every day.

Hey, the sales guy just called me back. It's amazing what a call from your husband can do *eye roll* But hey, I'm going in to the shop tomorrow - life is looking up!

Dying friendships...

So, I emailed Jeanie again yesterday. Said, "gee you never responded to my last email; must've gotten lost in cyberspace." Yes, I'm playing dumb. But if your mad at me - tell me that. I can't fix something if I don't know how it got broken.

When I didn't get a response, I decided to text her this morning. I figure, I'll annoy the hell out of her until she finally says, "LEAVE ME THE HECK ALONE!!!" I texted her this..."I've got an itch to go to go Hershey park. Can you get a day off of work and we'll take the kids, like we did last year." She responded, she responded. She said, "Sorry, taking adam and 3 of his friends in a few weeks."

Ooookay. Obviously, this woman wants Adam to stay away from the bad influence of Nick because he's supposed to be Adams bff and he wasn't included? So, I responded with :( okay, have a good time.

I don't know what else to do. I mean, I will always be grateful for what she did for me, but am I supposed to BEG to be friends with this woman, who obviously doesn't want to be friends anymore.

I just wish I knew WHY our friendship is ending....and I'm sure some of you are saying, WHY do you care after what she did to you ON MOTHER'S DAY - but it goes back to what she did for me. I guess I feel I sort of "owe" her or something??? I don't know. All I know is I feel like this friendship is hanging on by a thread and instead of trying to help sew it together, she's got the cutting it with the scissors.

Am I completely over-reacting here?

My priest left this past weekend. I couldn't go to his final mass, so I went to the little house on the prarie one up the street. Nick insisted on going to say goodbye, so Michael took him, and I sent along a card of thanks etc.

I called the church this morning, told them we are leaving the parish and took Nick off the altar boy list. Called the new church and had to leave a message *sigh* Emailed the lady about CCD classes for Chris and now I just wait to start the new chapter of my spiritual life.

Patience is NOT one of my good qualities....

Catch up - catch me...

It's been a while since I posted. I apologize for that; but my life has been nothing less than chaotic.

As of yesterday my parents are officially split. My mom had her condo settlement and afterwards, she and my Dad went out to lunch to celebrate....I know, I know, WTH? At the gym this morning she informs me that he was sooooo nice yesterday. So, maybe absence is making his heart grow fonder already, even though she is still living in the old house until the furniture delivery.

Sunday we went to the little catholic church down the street from us. Can you say, "Little House on the Prairie?" I swear I was claustrophic in it. I sat there, holding back tears, because this is the last thing I want to do, but with my priest, and family friend leaving our current parish, there really is NO reason to keep driving 30 mins to go to church, when there is one literally 2 mins from my house...right? I found myself searching on-line today for other churches in the area, bigger churches. Found about 3, but with Chris going to public school next year I have to enroll him in CCD classes and I need to get him registered yesterday -so I'm not sure I have the luxury of checking them all out.

This weekend I took a semi-emergency visit out to NYC. My girlfriend was having some issues and was desperate to talk with me. Turns out her marriage is in trouble...well, not in trouble, dead is more like it. My heart just breaks for them and her kids (which happen to be my godkids). Here's another marriage that bites the dust :(

I emailed Jeanie. You know, the woman who emailed me about Nick being a bad influence on her perfect and innocent son. She never answered me. So, now the question is, do I try again, or let the friendship die? I will always be grateful for everything she did for me with Cindy and I will always love her for that, but, as usual, I seem to be the BAD person here when I didn't really do anything wrong, other than not respond to HER email immediately, because I wanted to cool off. I don't get it and I dont' know what to do.

My mother in law called last night...that's NEVER a good thing. The only time she calls is when something is wrong, or if she needs something. Turns out my father in law is not doing well. He lost use of both of his his for a few days and the drs don't believe it was a stroke. He was tested and the only thing they came up with was he has pnueumonia. Pneumonia....a week before we are supposed to go on vacation.
Can anything else go wrong?

WAIT!!!! Don't answer that.....

Making a bad situation, good.

Over the past year, my doctor has been wanting to put me on cholestrol medicine because my numbers are elevated and because of my family history. Since swallowing pills is a phobia of mine, chewing cholestrol medicine once or twice a day, for the rest of my life, was NOT something I was going to give in to easily.

So, when the time came for my 6 month recheck, it landed around the time of Lent. Every Lent I give up sweets/snacks, anything along that line. I usually lose a few pounds over those 40 days too. Anyway, I got my blood test done and yes, my numbers dropped. They were still over average, but the doctor didn't try to push the meds on me this time around.

About 3 months ago, my hours got cut at work. The issue was now what do I do from the time I drop Chris off at school at 7:40, until the time I have to go to work at 8:45? With insane gas prices, driving around was out of the question, and most stores don't open until 9 or 10. After several days of mulling ideas around in my brain, I came up with the idea of working out. I talked my mom into rejoining Planet Fitness and now, every morning, we work out. Depending on traffic sometimes its only 25 mins, but hey, I'm still moving, right?

I noticed a difference about 3 weeks ago when all my bras began to gap at the top. Okay, I'm all for losing weight, but THERE??!!!! So, off to Victoria's Secret I go to get measured, and yes, I went down a size, but the cup size stayed the same. Huh? But, okay, I'll take it.

And today, I finally got the courage to try on a pair of jeans at Bon-Ton, in a dress size smaller. The straight leg was tight, but I could zipper and button them. The boot cut - fit fabulous. And where my initial "celebration" reaction was let's go out to eat....I quickly came back down and felt more inspired to keep going.

Now, I'm not stupid, I know the minute I stop working out, I'll gain the weight back, and then some, so, I just have to make sure I keep at it. Even on those mornings where the cat laying on my head, along with my husband's snoring, kept me up all night, I just have to DO IT.

So, getting my hours cut initially, was an issue, but I took the unfortunate situation, and turned it into something positive. Now, if I could just learn to do that in other areas of my life....*sigh*

Regrets

It pains me to recall that a year ago, I was sitting at my desk with this nagging feeling to make amends with my mom - the one who convinced my sister to talk to the landlord, which in turn stopped my girlfriend from coming to stay with her. I will never, ever forget how annoying that feeling was. Now, I know it was God, or my guardian angel, SCREAMING at me to forgive and forget because Cindy only had a few days left on this earth.

I don't want you to think I haven't forgiven myself, because I have. But one thing I will ALWAYS live with is regret. Regret for not listening to the voices, and mending things with Cindy before she died. I learned a valueable, valueable, lesson from it though, and that is to stop being so damn stubborn and to stop holding grudges. That is something I did my entire life, and I will NEVER EVER do that again. Yes, loved ones and friends still piss me off, but I will NOT carry around so much anger in my heart ever again.

I remember during that time I was mad at sooo many people - mostly my family. I remember it being a very dark time and looking back at it now, I don't like what I had become and maybe, just maybe, that's why this whole thing happened. To remind me of the importance of family and to teach me to love - unconditionally.

I read something the other day...A person wanted to know why God lets bad things happen. The answer was simple:

"When our life is going along great, we put God on the back burner. He gives us challenges and disappointment so our relationship with Him will continue to grow."

I can't remember a difficult time in my life when I didn't turn to Him. 9/11 for example; I don't know how I would've gotten through that without believing in Him. And Cindy, of course. I still remember crying my eyes out as we followed the casket down the aisle in the church, but as the mass got under way, I had such a calm wash over me and I KNEW, without a shadow of a doubt, she was in a better place.

After Cindy, I will never forget that He is always with us, guiding us along our way; all we have to do is open our ears and listen.

The weekend heals

On Friday evening Nick informed me that next weekend would be the last time he would be seeing his girlfriend for about a month because she will be traveling with her high school band.

Nick was already punished for his grades and I wasn't about to cave on that, even though my husband was. I told him next weekend he has plans with Tyler to go camping with his family - I guess he has a decision to make as to what he wants to do more. He said he didn't know. I offered to help him out. I told him I'd take him to meet Tyler's family later on in the afternoon or the evening, but he said that wouldn't work. He made the decision to see her for a few hours on Sunday afternoon (when he gets back), at which point he would go to her house (because obviously ours is out of the question now). I guess he appreciated my offer to help him though, because after that, things started to get better.

By Sunday night he was coming to me for a kiss goodnight, and Monday morning, he came to me for a kiss goodbye.

So, things have improved. He understands that the rules are the rules and they aren't going anywhere. Guess it was up to him to accept them.

Yesterday, during work I got a text from Tyler apologizing for the things he said. I told him I was hurt; that after everything we did for him we didn't deserve it. I told him I accepted his apology, but the rules remain. He was fine with it and then asked if he could come over after school. I told him he could but he had to be home by 5 since it was a work/school night.

Slowly, things are getting better which is great; because Sunday will be a year that Cindy died and I'm now dealing with all those memories...

Wake me up from this nightmare!

Explain to me how in one week, my tight knit, loving family has completely come undone? Honestly, I don't even know who we are anymore; and it scares the shit out of me.

Monday night, while at dinner, I told Nick, "You're father and I have discussed a few things and there are some new rules. #1 You won't be downstairs with your girlfriend anymore. She's more than welcome to come over, but you guys will be upstairs in the living room. #2 If your friends spend the night, when we go to bed the router will be turned off and you will not be able to play your PS3 online." (reason being, they can get online with with PS3 and I don't know what they could be watching).

He FLIPPED! Said nothing was going on and we didn't have a right to do this to him.

I told him, "I don't appreciate going downstairs and finding him and his girlfriend lying on the couch together. It make us uncomfortable and its disrespectful. I'm also not ready to be a grandmother at 43." Adding, "I also hope, what you guys have done you aren't kissing and telling, because that would be totally disrespectful to HER!"

He denies ALL OF THIS. Now, in case you haven't figured it out, THIS is what my girlfriend informed me she found on her sons phone - Details of their making out, which of course, I am forbidden to tell him I know about.

He storms out of the house for 1.5 hours.

All Tuesday he doesn't speak to us. Leaves for school, no goodbye. Eats dinner and gets up and walks out of the house again. Doesn't tell us where he is going or anything. Comes back, gets in the shower, nothing said. Now I'm getting pissed!

Yesterday morning, I go to him, "How long are you going to keep up the silent treatment?" He shrugs. (My father is known to do the silent treatment to my mom for weeks or months on end) "I am NOT grandma! If you want to continue to live here, but not be part of this family, don't expect me to continue to cook for you and do your laundry. Grandma may put up with the silent treatment, I WON'T! I'm NOT Grandma!!!!" A few minutes later, as he's getting ready to leave for school, I get a mumbled, "bye." I respond with a curt "See ya!" When the door closes - I cry.

I come home from work and hear him in the family room, playing his PS3 and talking on the phone. I hear him talking about...drugs. WTF!? I listen and I listen, turn white and listen some more.

MIchael comes home and I inform him of what I hear. I text Nick that we're eating, because at this moment I am not able to talk to him. Michael asks him point blank, Nick gives a smartass comment and now I have no idea what to believe. I would like to think being an athlete he wouldn't be so stupid, but honestly, I don't know. I don't like what I heard and he claims they were kidding around. I'm not sure I'm buying it.

We change the subject back to the new rules. We tell him we don't understand how these 2 little rules got him so upset if nothing was going on. It really shouldn't be a big deal. He continues to tell us that his bff is furious with us and never wants to come here again because we obviously don't trust him. Michael flips. I mean FLIPS!!! He screams he has no right to be furious with us. We have done everything for that kid, and he has lived with us every weekend for the entire year. We treated him like he is our own kid, took him to dinner with us, included him in everything, and he's mad at US! Now I dont' want HIM here, and he's forbidden to come here!" At this point, I'm sitting there crying, getting more and more hurt by this whole thing and I say, "Tyler can bite us Nick!" Chris is crying. Michael gets up and starts throwing things. Chris runs in his room. Nick storms to get his sneakers on. I go after Chris. Just total and complete disaster!!

I notice Nick grabs his wallet before he leaves. I say, "What do you need your wallet for Nick?" He leaves and I tell Michael, at which point he says he's going to follow him.

He runs into him in the front of the house and they start arguing again. I go out and say, "The neighborhood doesn't need to know our business." So, we all go back inside.

The 3 of us sit at the table and have a somewhat 'normal' discussion. He feels we are taking away his freedom, and I tell him, I got information saying this needs to be done. He says I always say that. I say, "Don't you think its funny how everything is fine, and one day, out of the blue, all this happens? I was tipped off and I don't care if you believe me or not. May God strike me dead right now if I'm lying."

We continue to tell him that its funny how all his friends stop wanting to come here because of these 2 little rules. It just tells us that they didn't like coming here, because they like our family, they liked that you guys got alot of freedom.

I informed Nick that as he got older, and got more responsiblities, there'd be more rules. For example, when he starts driving, he will tell us where he is going, and if he gets there and they decide to go some place else, we will know about it. He will have a curfew and if he breaks any of the rules, he will be punished. Rules are a part of living in this house and he better get used to them.

Michael said, "He will never kick him out, but if he thinks its better someplace else, he is more than free to go."

This is how it ends. Nothing really resolved. Nothing accomplished.

I just want my family back the way it was; and I'm not sure that'll ever happen.

Tonight I am going out with my sister in law. She won tickets to a play from a radio station last week and luckily invited me along since her boyfriend is working. I thank God and her for this, I'll get a few hours break from all of this and I've never needed it more.

Teenagers - it's never an easy thing, is it?

What do you do when one of your closest friends emails you on mothers day, informing you of some disturbing information in regards to your teenager? Nothing illegal; nothing surprising; nothing out of the ordinary for a teenager to do...just something disturbing? She also went on to add that its none of her business what my kid does, but she feels he could influence her son, and THATS an issue. Then I was told I could NEVER EVER tell him I got the information from her because that would ruin her relationship with her kid.

At first I was embarassed. Then I was pissed at him. I haven't been able to look at him since I found out the news and I've been wracking my brain trying figure out a way to bring this up to him, WITHOUT telling him how I know. It's IMPOSSIBLE.

So, I spent the majority of yesterday in tears, over that and over the remembrance that last mother's day Cindy tried to call me several times and I refused to answer the phone. That would've been the last time I spoke to her...

Michael says to let go of the guilt - which I thought I had, obviously I hadn't completely. He also added that he thinks my friend did this deliberately on Mother's day to ruin it. He said there was no reason why this couldn't have been sent to me on Monday. I am having a hard time believing that she would be that way, but he is insistant. He also said her kid is not innocent and whether our kid is saying stuff he shouldn't be is irrelevant, because her kid already knows all about it himself.

So this morning I woke up still depressed over this whole mess and NOW pissed at her. How dare she say my kid is influencing her kid - her kid is not 5 he's 16, and isn't blind to things around him.

So, as I finally get resolve from the school issue, I'm now thrown into another issue - one that I may lose one of my closest friends over, and one that is going to change my teenagers life as he knows it because the reigns will now be pulled in dramatically, and I still haven't figured out what to tell him as to why.

Sometimes, being a parent - SUCKS!

And the winner is...

This morning at Chris' school, they had a Mom and Muffin' day. From 9:15-10am Mom's, Grandmothers, Aunts, etc, etc got to go to the school and enjoy muffin's with the kids. I went to the gym with my Mom, and then we headed off to the school.

While there, we were presented with gifts the children had made; whether they were a card, or a clay sculpture, or a silly hat, we all loved them the same.

At one time, the principal asked the kids to come up to get a gift the school had for their guests. Chris returned with a Dark Blue mug, with St. Vincent de Paul School written in gold (the schools colors). With the school closing, it is now a souvenior of what once was.

This is what this last month is like for me. The LAST Mom's and Muffin's, Tuesday's rescheduled field trip, is the LAST field trip for St. Vincent's, soon it'll be the last children's mass, and the last day of school, not for summer, but FOREVER.

Yesterday, Christopher shadowed at the public school. When it was time to pick him up, I had my Mom come, so she could see where the school was. When I walked into the office, I saw him sitting there smiling, as the guidance counselor talked to him.

The guidance counselor told me that the homeroom teacher he was assigned to thought Chris had a ball. I asked a few more questions, and we were walking out of the school about 10 minutes later.

When I asked Chris if he liked it, he said, "Better than Annunciation."(the private school he shadowed last week). I asked him to grade it on a scale from 1 to 10. He gave it a 9. (He gave Annunciation a 5). I asked if the kids were nice. He said, "They ALL were, not like at Annunciation." So, the decision was made. THIS was going to be Chris' new school.

Later that night, when we were sitting at dinner he told Michael about the day. He was EXCITED! He talked about the lockers and the traffic light at the lunchroom. (It lights yellow when the noise level gets too loud, and if it turns red, there has to be silence for 5 minutes). He was shocked that when the kids had something to work on, the teacher put music on; not only that, he took kids requests. To Chris this was the most exciting school ever, and that's exactly what I wanted.

Later on in the evening, Chris says, "Do you know why I gave the school a 9 and not a 10?" I shook my head no. "Because of CCD." But that was not the school's fault. So now the 9 became a 10. I felt sooo good with my decision. I asked God for a sign of what to do, and the gleam in his eye, and excitement in his voice was it.

Though it'll be sad to say goodbye to St. Vincents, it'll be a bit easier knowing Chris is so stoked to go to public school next year. And even though we will have to deal with CCD classes every Sunday morning, for the next 3 years, until he receives Confirmation, it'll be a bit of a comfort, because that is what my sister, Cindy, used to teach, and somehow I feel like she'll be there with him.

I suddenly feel like a child

So, its ALMOST official; After almost 50 years of marriage, my parents are splitting. I say ALMOST because my Mom wrote a contract on a condo, but it hasn't been finalized yet. The seller's have until tonight to let her know if they accepted her offer or if they are going to counter.

I've seen my parents relationship fall apart over the last 20 years. Part of me is almost relieved. I mean, no more fighting and no more hating each other. But another part of me, the child part, is crushed. Even at 42 I find myself saddened over the fact my parents are splitting.

They will not get a divorce though - they have just become one of those couples that can't live together any longer. In fact, my mom believes that they will get along better if they live separate.

I'm already seeing signs of that, as my Dad told her that he is buying her a big screen TV out of his money.

There's nothing more that I'd like to see than to have my parents fall in love again, and maybe, hopefully, absence WILL make the heart grow fonder - this time.

School shadowing

Yesterday, Chris got to shadow at the private school, I was leaning towards. The work day dragged, especially since I took a late lunch to pick him up. I have to say, their pick up method...is not orchestrated very well. It's almost chaiotic. It could be done sooo much better.

Anyway, while we are walking back to the car, I ask him, "So how was it?"

His response? "I'll tell you in the car." Uh-oh. "It was okay. The kids are mean though."

"The kids are mean? How so?"

"At recess kids were throwing balls at other kids. They weren't nice."

"Did they throw them at you?"

"No, but they were throwing them at other kids they didn't know."

"How do you know that, Chris? You have to realize these kids have been together since pre-school. Just like you in your present school, you know 8th graders AND you know kindergartners. I'm sure they all know each other."

"They are mean; and they didn't know each other."

Obviously, I'm not getting through to him.

"Was anyone mean to you?"

"Not really. I tried to talk to one kid, but he didn't answer."

Now, Chris isn't the loudest kid in the world - thanks to being shy. So I gently point out, "Maybe he didn't hear you."

"No, he ignored me. My "buddy" for the day even said, 'don't talk to him he's mean.'

His other friend Abbey also shadowed at the other private school, that we wrote off of our list.

"What did Abbey say about St. Joe's?"

"She said they are the same there - mean."

Sigh.

So, what was hopefully going to seal this up and I'd have my decision by TODAY - has now made matters worse.

I called my husband and he suggested calling the public school and see if he can shadow there. He said this will also show me if they CAN call me back at a reasonable amount of time, unlike last time where it took them a week to do it. You see, if I have an issue at the school, I NEED A PHONE CALL BACK!

I thought that was a brilliant idea. So, I called the guidance counselor who gave us the tour last week, and left a message on his voice mail that I had a question and to please call me back. As of 11am the next day I still do NOT have a phone call back.

So, the way I am looking at it, he needs to reconsider St. Joe's, or just deal with where he shadowed yesterday, because the majority of his school is going there - and he WILL know kids there.

Over the past few days, I have also noticed that Chris is in a horrible mood. Knowing this is unlike him, I have to toss it up to the fact that he is incredibly stressed over this as well.

Again, the whole situation sucks!

I've prayed for guidance and am back at square one.

What is a mother to do?

Okay, I admit it....I'm a sap

Okay, I embarassing admit that this Royal Wedding has me excited. Why? I'm not really sure. All I can think of is I remember being in 7th grade and watching Princess Di's wedding. Being mesmerized by it all. Wanting to be that princess and have that happily ever after, some day.

I didn't know just how much that wedding affected me until I was planning my own wedding. I remember looking at the dresses and recalling that wedding. So, I got the big dress, with the looong train, with the crystal headpiece and even the pearl drop earrings. And as I walked down the looong aisle, to meet MY prince Charming, I felt it...I felt like a princess.

So, maybe that is why I am all wrapped up in seeing her son getting married. After all, his bride has no royalty in her bloodline, and she is just a commoner who is literally going to become a princess right in front of us.

It's the stuff that fairytales are made of, and in today's world with terrorists, the economy, and schools closing out of blue - I want to feel the way I did when I was 12 years old watching Diana marry Charles. I want to forget about everything for a few hours and be mesmerized by the whole idea of it, and remember that dreams still do come true.

Cheerio!

Turning on God

Yesterday, Christopher's class, along with the 4th graders, had a field trip. I volunteered to be a chaperone and we were going to the State Capital and the museum. We got on the school bus and about an hour and a half later we were sitting along side the Capital, and sitting, and sitting and sitting.

Eventually, the teachers got up and said, "Well, there seems to be a water main break in the capital and the museum, so the building is closed." They got on the phone with the principal and tried to come up with other ideas, but nothing worked for what their current school curriculum was. So, we went back to school.

My vacation day from work was now wasted, being used for a 4 hour school bus ride, that they plan to reschedule. And if that wasn't bad enough, there was a saddness enveloped over all the parents the whole entire time, knowing this was to be the last school trip for St. Vincent's de Paul EVER!

I did get to talk to several other parents, get their feel on other schools in the area, and came away with mixed feelings. No one really seems to agree on any of them.

A father of a 4th grader, who I do not know, but who looked very familar, was on the trip as well. I know he is involved with the church, somehow, but I don't know the exact manner. He went on to inform us....the school was NOT in debt; the church however, IS. The diocese plans on closing the church, but the only way to do that was to shut down the school first.

Even though I took his words lightly, and he could be waaaay off track here, my heart still sunk. FIRST they take away our school, and now they are going to take away our church? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???????!!!!!

I know people are angry. They are upset over this whole thing and how unfair it is to the students, staff, and parents. The timing could NOT be worse and the diocese really doesn't seem to care - AT ALL! In fact, they contacted all the private schools in the area forbidding them to accept any enrollments until they receive the formal letter from our priest, requesting the closure of the school.

Ummm, excuse me...but YOU'RE THE ONES THAT FORCED HIM TO DO IT!!! Why do the parents have to wait? Why do we have to continue to be in limbo? Why can't we at least START to move forward? Do you honestly think once you get the letter in hand, you'll reconsider? OF COURSE YOU WON'T - you basically blackmailed the poor man to close the school stating if he didn't, you would not financially support the church any longer.

My fear throughout all this is that people are going to leave the faith. I can understand why they could think that,in the heat of the moment, but why let Satan win? This is what he wants, after all. He wants us to turn away from God, but I hope and I pray that the people of our great parish have a strong enough faith to not stray.

The world is in complete disarray - I seriously wonder how much more God is going to put up with it. And with the Hollywood hype of 2012, I'm sure tinsel town is thinking the same thing.

I just pray people don't loose faith because our diocese has acquired a few crooked, players in the organization.

With Easter right around the corner, let's not forget what He did for us. He died to save us - Don't turn your backs on him now.

Happy Birthday and farewell

Today is my little one's 11th birthday. I can't believe 11 years ago today I was giving birth to him. I remember every little detail as if it was just yesterday. I remember my mom coming in afterwards and hearing how quiet he cried said, "How in the world are you ever going to hear him???" The volume of his cry wasn't much louder then a whisper - he was just so quiet.

Nothing has changed much with him through the years. He's my quiet and shy one. It takes him a while to warm up to people, but once he decides he likes you, it'll be hard to get him to be quiet. He is EXACTLY like me in that respect....but part of me wishes he could break out of that. Personally, at times, I find it a disability on being so shy, but should I really try to change who he is?

The answer came to me on Sunday afternoon, when the principal of his private school called me with the heartbreaking, and shocking news, that they are closing his school. Turns out the diocese of Harrisburg had a meeting with them Thursday night, and said their deficit outweighed their enrollment, so this would be their last year. Just like that! "Ummm, let's see....no money? Goodbye!"

I started to cry - it was just so sad. That school has been around since around the 30's and just like that, without any thought to the kids, teachers etc they are gone.

So, my fear of Chris being so shy returned. Now we have to uproot him to a brand new school, with new kids, teachers, etc. Where do I go from here? Michael adamately explained he does not think Chris is ready for public school. #1 its too different from where he came from, and given his personality, and being so small for his age, he'd be a prime target for being bullied. My mother also offered to home school him, but Michael also thinks that would be a huge mistake and not helping the situation.

I called another private school about 5 minutes down the road from his present school. I was touched by their compassion of the situation and their willingness to accept ALL of the St. Vincent's students if need be. That would mean he'd know at least some of the kids at the new school. I asked several questions, but with this being all new to them too, she didn't have many answers. They are probably going to have an Open House for us so we can ask questions as a group and tour the school.

As I sit here overwhelmed, I think everything happens for a reason. His class is so small in St Vincent's, and now, he will finally get the opportunity to meet new kids, maybe start hanging out with more boys (since the class he's is now is predominantly girls). Maybe this transition, now, will help him when he changes schools for High School. Maybe....

But, all this seems even more fair because today is his birthday. Timing is everything and this just sucks all around.

:(

Ummm....what?

I feel like I've used that title countless times, but sometimes it's well deserved.

I am really close with a member of my family. I consider them one of my best friends and know I can always count on them. When I am hurting, I know they are too; and when they are hurting, they KNOW I am hurting right along with them as well.

I understand in any type of relationship there are going to be differences of opinions and disagreements, but what do you do when the difference of opinions seem to be outweighing the things you agree on anymore.

This person, as much as I love them, can be very...firm in their beliefs. It's their way, and no matter what you say, they are not going to waiver and not only that, at times they expect ME to waiver to their beliefs - regardless to what they are, whether it be religion, politics, food,...it doesn't matter. They know they are correct and that's just the way it is, and anyone who doesn't live they way they do, or believe in what they do, are nothing more than idiots, blinded by today's society.

So, I knew I had limits with this person. I was clearly aware NOT to bring up religion or politics with this person. I knew if I missed the gym for a week straight, not to mention it because I'd hear how terrible it is, especially since my cholestrol numbers are elevated and I'm trying NOT to get on medication for it. I knew not to talk about my cooking habits because not cooking organically, or from scratch is UNHEARD of and totally unacceptable - I'm poisoning my children and family with all that premade crap I buy!!! (by now I know some of you know exactly who I'm talking about - but that's between you and me, okay? ;) )

So, I called this person on the phone yesterday to catch up and when they asked about the kids I told them about Nicks girlfriends...cutting dilema. Shock, was their first reaction.

"What!? Why?"

When I went on to explain how her parents were overly strict and even punished her for bringing home a B, his reaction was nothing less than appalling.

"So? She SHOULD get punished for bringing home a B. There is no reason why she can't bring home straight A's."

After my mouth hit the floor, I copped my defensive attitude. "Yeah, okay. Anyway....." as I quickly changed the subject.

So, I'm left in this situation....what the hell do I have left to talk about with this person? *sigh*

Cruising right along....

Okay, I've caved. One thing I always said is I will NEVER EVER take a cruise. Why? Because I can't swim, germs and horror stories you hear about illnesses, motion sickness, what if I hate it and I'm stuck on the damn ship for 10 days!

All these thoughts and more have run through my head for years but now, after several of my friends have gone and rave about how great they are, I have finally - caved.

Why the change of heart? All I can think of is tomorrow my kids and husband are going for their passports and suddenly it seems to have opened up sooo many more travel possiblities. I know my husband wants to see Europe REALLY badly, so I thought, on a limited budget, how is that going to be possible? A cruise was inevitably the answer.

So, I've researched this online for the past week. Different cruiselines, where to go, prices, whats included, shore excursions....everything. My initial thought was going on one for our 20th wedding anniversary next summer-just Michael and I, but now I'm not sure. I think I may feel guilty leaving my kids for 10 days. But then I worry about them. What if they are bored? What if Chris won't eat the food since he's soooo picky? What if Chris won't do the kids events? So then I go back to the initial just Michael and I.

Then I think....maybe for a FIRST cruise a 10 day European cruise is too long. Maybe we should do a cruise to nowhere, or a carribean one for 3 days instead.

I'm getting super excited when I think about it, but I'm also getting slightly overwhelmed.

So, I ask for your help. I know KEren has been on at least one cruise and loved it. Has anyone else? Feedback, advice is MUCH appreciated.....

Now what do I do?

Nick came to me last night, alone.

He hesitantly says, "Ummm, Mom? I need to talk to you." He sits down, and sighs. I KNEW this was going to be B-I-G! "My girlfriends parents treat her like shit." Now, I haven't talked to her parents since they were in pre-school, but they seemed like pretty good people.

"They do?"

"Yes, they treat her like complete, and total shit! It's so bad, she brought a B home from school and is punished. She went shopping with her Mom, and her Mom flipped out in the store 'in front of everyone' and made her put everything back."

"Well, you have to know, you are only hearing one side of the story Nick."

"Mom, her mother says, 'I'm not sure I like that last thing,' and she said, 'I thought it looked fine' and her mom flipped! Mom, it's so bad she's cutting herself!" My heart immediately sank, followed by the maternal instinct of wanting her to live with us. "She says its the only way she can feel better."

"She needs to talk to someone, Nick. A guidance counselor or a grandparent - someone."

"She's been in counseling with her parents for a while, but its not helping. She said her parents don't do anything that the counselor tells them to."

"Does she get any time alone with the counselor? She needs alone time. She needs to tell him she's doing this, if he doesn't already know."

"I asked her if she did drugs or anything. She said she used to smoke cigarettes but quit."

To lighten the situation, I use comedy, like I usually do, and said, "Tell her to stop cutting and start smoking again." He chuckles, and I say, "What is with your choice of girlfriends, Nick?"

He laughs and said, "I know, but the other one was insane, this one is really, really nice and just needs help."

"Tell her she needs to find another outlet to relieve her stress. Tell her write down her feelings, or sing, or draw. Find soothing music....SOMETHING! She has to find another way to release her anger, because cutting herself is only hurting herself, and its not helping the situation. Tell her to focus on the future. She has 2 more years, and with her grades, she'll get into an amazing college. Tell her to focus on the future. Have her come here; tell her she can come as often as she wants - if she needs a place to escape, we can be that place. She can't spend the night like your bff, but she can spend every weekend here. I know she's extremely shy (due to low self esteem), so she needs time to get to know us. If she starts to trust us, hopefully she'll open up and talk to us and that could help her."

"She didn't want me to tell you, but I told her if I didn't talk to you, I'd be totally stressed out, so she knows I talked to you."

I can not tell you how blessed I feel to have my teenage son come to me. To know he trusts me enough to talk to me about this. When he was little we were at each others throats, it makes me feel sooo good to know he trusts me. Most teenagers would NEVER go to their parents about things; I didn't, and know his 2 bff's don't - I'm totally, and completely blessed to have that relationship with him.

When we woke up this morning, I had to ask him a question. I knew it was a bad question, but I wanted to know how he felt.

"So, after sleeping on it, what are you going to do with her?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you going to stay with her?"

"Mom, she's not like the other one who was psycho - she's really nice and I'm standing by her."

I am a little concerned, but so proud at the same time.

So, let me hear any advice you have. I don't know his girlfriend, at all, but Nick cares about her, so that means I care about her too. Advice? Suggestions?

Kids say the funniest things....

So, I brought my car into the dealership earlier in the week because the passenger side door latch isn't latching properly. I drive a Chevy Traverse - 8 passenger SUV, with power locks, windows, satellite radio, onstar, and a backup camera.

The dealership was nice enough to cover a loaner for me. I joked with the service manager about arranging a corvette, and we both got a good chuckle over that. What I ended up getting was a Chevy Aveo. Cute little 4 door car, bright red and with a lot of spunk.

When I picked it up I had Chris with me and once all the papers were signed, and I took out the insurance, (because you KNOW I'd get into an accident if I didn't), we crammed ourselves into the little car.

Once on the road, Chris asks, "What's this?"

"What's what?" I ask. (I'm driving, and can't look at what he's referring to).

"This handle on the door." At a red light I look and chuckle.

"It's the handle to roll down the window."

"It is? What do you do with it?"

"You turn it and the window comes down."

"Can I do it?"

"Sure!" I sat there amazed.

I always find it weird that my kids will never know what life is like without computers, cell phones, video games with AMAZING graphics, and Hi-Def TV. But I never really thought about the little things - like a window handle, or having to manually pull up and push down the door locks.

But when our children live in the technological society in which we have today, where there are tv's built into the cars, and 3D tv's, of course they wouldn't know something as manual as that.

Kind of makes me wonder what their kids will have. I mean, how much further can we actually go? Will their kids be saying, "There used to be cars that actually had wheels and stayed on the road?!!?"

Scarey isn't it?

Letting go.

I am the baby of the family. I didn't grow up around other family, so I didn't have little cousins to play with or watch grow. So, when Nicholas was born, my first born, it was a totally new experience. In fact, before Nicholas, I hadn't even held a newborn baby. I was truly new to the whole mother thing, and because of that, I was truly fascinated with him.

During the first year, Michael worked 2nd shift, so that would leave me home alone with Nicholas until around 10 or 11pm when Michael would return. I remember filming him c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y. Every little thing he did was filmed, or I was quick to take a picture. I have hours, upon hours of film of him doing nothing in particular; I was just mesmorized with the new things he would learn on his own and the different sounds he would make. During all this filming you can hear Star Trek the next generation playing on the tv in the background-hahaha.

On Thursday nights, my Dad would come over and we'd watch MUST SEE TV Thursday. You remember those days, don't you? Friends, Seinfeld, Frazer the gems of the television world. It was a nice tradition and sometimes I miss that special time I had with my Dad.

The years have since flown by. Nick is now 16-1/2, finishing up his sophmore year in high school, and recently got his drivers permit. He is a good kid, albeit lazy as anything (but what teenager isn't?) He's devoted to his sport (basketball) and a loyal friend and a loyal son. I remember how proud I was when he would stand up for the family when he was going out with "the bad seed."

But now he is starting to reach for his freedom, and as painful as it is, I know I must let him go. He recently got another girlfriend *sigh* He actually went to pre-school with her and they met up a few weeks ago at the bowling alley. She is very, very, shy, but I know her mother and she is beyond strict, so I feel pretty good about their relationship.

Anyway, my parents recently helped us in a huge endeavor, and as a thank you, Michael and I are taking them out to dinner. I made it for a restuarant down the street that they've never been to, but we all LOVE.

However, last night I was informed that Nicholas did not want to go because he wanted to hang out with his bff and his girlfriend instead. (I forgot to mention Nicks girlfriend's bff is dating Nicks bff, which is actually kinda cool.) Anyway, my heart sunk.

"This is a family dinner. You WILL be there!"

"I don't even know what the heck is going on. You say they helped you with something, but I don't even know what it is, so why do I have to go?"

"Because I wanted the whole family to go."

"It's not fair. I want to hang with them instead."

This morning he starts up again.....

"I don't know what the problem is. I'll be home to watch Chris when you go visit Grandpa and then when you get home bff's mom will drive us out to the girlfriends house."

"Because you are supposed to be with the family. You're screwing your family to be with your friends."

He leaves for school, but like I said earlier, Nick puts his family first, so, I knew that statement was going to bother him. But, to be honest, it bothered me too, because I was a teenager once too, and I know how he feels. I suddenly started to feel a little guilty. Needless to say, about 8:30 am I get a text.

"What you said this morning...I'm not screwing the family because there was a family dinner last week and I went to it. If I was screwing the family I would have went out with them last weekend too, but I didn't."

"You are choosing your friends over having dinner with us at one of your favorite restuarants. I also understand your a teenager and that's what happens (been there done that), but I am still a little disappointed. And as far as last weekend, you didn't go to your friends because we said NO. Don't forget who makes the final decisions."

"I know, I'm sorry, but I have to go with them because I went to the dinner last weekend instead, it's to make it fair because I didn't want to keep not going out with them."

"You also don't want to make yourself available ALL the time. Let them know you have a life and family comes first."

"I hung out with the family last weekend instead of them, this weekend I should be able to hang with them instead, so they don't feel like I'm screwing them."

At this point I'm starting realize I have to let this go....I have to let him go, but not before I get one more thing off my chest.

"I'd really like to know when other parents interfere with your plans it's okay, but when we have something to do, we are always the bad guys."

"I've never said you are the bad guys. Things happen, I understand that. I might get mad, but I don't blame it all on you-stuff happens."

What can I say to that? That has got to be the most mature, honest thing he has ever said. My response?

"k"

There's nothing left to say. Though at times he can be a typical teenager who I seriously want to pummel, in the big picture....I'm blessed that I can call him my son.

I open my arms and let him go, as a tear rolls down my cheek.

What do you do?

What do you do when a member of the family comes to you with the news they want to leave their spouse?

This is a couple who has been together for 49+ years and they have BOTH been there for me every time I've needed them.

What do you do when you hear, "I'm tired of being ignored. It's been over 2 weeks and he hasn't spoken to me. He goes out and doesn't tell me. I find myself eating dinner alone every night. What kind of life is that for me? I don't deserve to be treated like this."

As this news is soaking in, I 110% agree with her, but what am I going to do? My first reaction is, "You're right....come live with us, we'd love it!"

But as the days pass, I start to think - do I have a right to get involved? Isn't the other person involved going to feel like I'm taking sides? Am I going to be hated for helping her?

I have lunch with her a few days later, thinking things may have calmed down between them by now, and mention these condo's that are being built down the street from me. They are in an older community (50 year olds and up) and everything they could ever want is within walking distance.

She says, "You wouldn't want me right down the street from you."

I reply, "Sure, I would, but I still don't think he'd like condo living."

She says, "I'll leave him here and move myself."

Okay, so thinks haven't changed and I think it's 3 weeks now since he's spoken to her. Why? We have no idea. This is just what he does. He'll stop talking to this woman, his wife, and she has no idea why. One day he'll start talking again, and she'll never find out what happened to begin with. He'd never consider counceling, so that's not an option.

I had breakfast with her this morning, curious if things have changed at all. She asks me if I brought the condo info like she requested and I hand it over to her. She looks at the plans and says, "He'd hate them." (okay, she included him, so maybe things have improved.) "But I really want to move without him."

I sit back, take a sip of coffee and say, "This is a big decision you are making. Are you sure you really want to do this?"

She answers, "We can't live together anymore. I think we'd get along better if we lived separately. But, I don't think I can afford that." After a moment of silence, she adds, "I don't think he'd ever talk to me again if I left."

I point out, "Then you wouldn't get along better if you did this."

"No," she says, "in fact, he could cut me out of his pension and all I'd get is social security."

When we leave the restaurant she says, "I'm going to show him the condo info and see what he says."

I reply, "He'll hate them, you know that. He's not the condo type of guy."

So, here I am...wanting to help this woman and at the same time feeling like I'm in the middle. I don't agree with the way she is being treated, but I feel like if she goes through with this, he'll know I helped her and I'll be on the outs with him too, and I don't want that. They have BOTH been there for me, and I love them BOTH - - so what am I going to do? What would you do?

Hell bound? I think not!

So, I'm Catholic - born and raised, and continue to be a practicing, active, Catholic.

My mother was born, raised Catholic, and raised her children Catholic. But when she moved out to Pennsylvania, she decided she needed something else and converted to Born Again.

My sister was Catholic and taught CCD (religion classes for kids that went to public school).

We are all VERY strong in our faith, live our lives as christians, and believe that Jesus is our Savior.

In addition to Catholic and Born Again, there are a bigillion OTHER religions: Methodist, Lutheran, and Baptist to name a few...but does one religion guarantee your place in heaven?

I can not count the number of times people have cringed when I told them I am Catholic. How often I have heard, "Don't you want to be saved?" So, what - because I'm Catholic, I'm damned?

I am sick of everyone bashing the Catholic religion because they don't understand why it's an obligation to go to church every Sunday, confession, rosary, or they think it's bad that we pray to saints in addition to God. In the broad spectrum of things, does it really matter? Is it hurting anyone else that we do these things? And aren't you 'judging' me just because I'm Catholic?

Isn't the bottom line to believe in God; believe that He sent his Son, Jesus, here to save us; to spread His word; and to live our lives as good christians? Does it really matter what 'religion' you are? Is God really up there saying, "Gee, Karen is a good person; she follows the rules of God...oh well, too bad she's Catholic and not ______!"

My sister was handicapped. She had medical problems her entire life. At one point it got bad enough that she had to be let go from her job because she was missing so much work -- a job she loved and her bosses loved her. Instead of letting that get her down, she turned to volunteer work. She volunteered at NYU hospital in the pediatric ward, she taught CCD in 3 churches, along with the children's choir, and gave what little money she had to charities all over the place. Can people honestly sit there and say she went to hell because she was a Catholic?

You can insult me, and laugh or cringe when you hear I am Catholic....but you know what? I'm a Catholic AND PROUD OF IT!

A long time coming....

Well, finally, on Saturday, after two other attempts, Nick passed his learner's permit exam. This was the first time I got to go - the other two times he went with Michael, because I was doing something else.

So, as he walked over to do the test - we went to the waiting area. Michael sat and was getting annoyed that I wouldn't. Not only that, I was staring at him; studing his body language and "giving him the good vibes." Michael thought I was being totally ridiculous - but when Nick turned around and gave us a thumbs up - I was so proud!

Michael told him what I was doing and how he was yelling at me to 'stop!'. Nick laughed and said I was the one bringing him to the driving test 6 months from now.

Now, comes the actual "teaching". I always figured I'd be the one to do it, because, hey, I've taught a few of my friends back in New York how to drive. But Michael was always under the impression HE would be doing it.

I love Michael dearly, but patience is NOT his strong suit. Nick is fully aware of this. I've been there....trying to learn how to drive stick from an x-boyfriend who did nothing but yell and scream at me and you know what? It stressed me out and made learning it impossible. A few days later his friend took me out and I learned in 15 mins. I don't want that for Nick. But when Michael comes to me and says, "Please don't take this from me..." What am I to do?

Nick prefers I'm the one that teach him, but I told him he had to give Michael a chance.

So, here we go...I'm super excited for him, but in this world of texting and driving I'm completely HORRIFIED at the same time! We've talked - endlessly - about drinking and driving and texting and driving. His driver's education class has showed gruesome videos and I've shared youtube vids. But we all know that kids think they are invinceable.

And to make me feel better, I noticed on Saturday night, while at a confirmation party, that he was texting without looking. Without hesitation, and in front of EVERYONE (people I don't know too well), yelled, "Whoa! Don't think just because you can text without looking that it gives you the okay to text and drive!" His response of course was, "Mom, I'm not stupid!"

So, as I let him go a little more, and as he takes the next step towards total independence, what else can a mother to do but talk, talk, talk and pray until he comes home safely every night.

Wake up call

So, I've had issues lately.

Arguments with my husband.

Fights with my teenage son, who just last week, we got along splendidly.

'Discussions' with my youngest, who, ask Kim, is my #1 fan.

The real estate market sucks, and therefore, I just had my hours cut at work.

Jeanie, who has helped me through EVERYTHING over the past year, from Cindy to my cat, has been too busy to even 'talk' to me. And on the times I try to call her, I tense up, afraid I'll be "bothering" her, only for it to go into voice mail anyway.

My mom had a stress test - the technician after the test tells her there was a "little something." Her dr calls her a few days later and says everything is okay. So.....either one of them is reading the damn test wrong, or the dr felt the "little something" was so miniscule that it wasn't even worth telling her.

It is a moment in my life where I just want to stand up and scream, scream, scream.

But then I see what happened today in Japan. The 8.9 earthquake followed by the huge tsunami. I see the devastation, the death, the loss of EVERYTHING - memories, homes, and sadly, life. And I take a step back and think, at least I have my family to argue with, discuss things and fight with. At least my friends may be too busy to talk to me, but I know they love me. At least the "little something" wasn't a "BIG SOMETHING" and I still have my Mom with me.

So, in the wake of massive earthquakes and destructive tsunami's my prayers go out to all of those affected by this disaster; and I humbly add prayers of thanks. Thanking Him for the life I have, AS IS IT -- IN THIS MOMENT - because at least it's still huggable, touchable, and here.

To move or not to move

I had a specific idea for a blog, but I couldn't go through with it. It was going to be about my cat, Devotion, who I lost recently, and I was going to share what a great story she was, but I just can't do it yet...still too hard.

So, now I'm torn on what to write about. It's been so long since I blogged and soooo much has happened...I really don't know where to start. So, you know what....I'll start with what's going on right now in my life.

Bathrooms.

Yes, you read that right, bathrooms.

We have been considering moving for over a year now. Don't get me wrong, we love our present house, but we've decided that coming from New York, we really aren't cut out for the country stuff. We aren't comfortable with well and septic, and living on an acre of land...well, let's just say yard work is NOT my husbands forte'.

So, we decided were going to build the "affordable" version of our dream home. We were super excited to be able to pick out our house plan, cabinets, floors, lights, counter top....I'd give the boys their own bedrooms and I'd get a master suite with a jacuzzi tub and finally a deck off the kitchen. We toured builders model home and had our favorites. We dreamed BIG, but reasonably.

I work in a real estate office....I see the market every day and I went home several weeks ago and said, "We can't sell now. The market sucks and we'd never get what the house is worth and what we need to build the home we want."

Now comes the dilema. If we weren't selling, do we just remodel our home KNOWING that we won't get our money back? Years ago, when the market was normal, if you remodeled your kitchen or bathroom, you'd get your money back when you went to sell it. It's not like that now. If you spend $15,000 to remodel your kitchen, you spent $15,000 to make your house more saleable, but it won't increase your value of your home like it should.

We thought about the kids....Nick is out of high school in 2 years. If he goes away to college that would give Chris his own room anyway, and chances are, when Nick gets out of high school, if he goes to a local college, he'll just move into the spare bedroom downstairs, or according to him, get an apartment with his best friend.

We thought about us....we see what has happened with my father in law. He is in a home and my mother in law is not financially prepared for that. We definetely don't want to put our kids through all that. We thought maybe upgrading isn't a good idea. Maybe we should just stay where we are and downsize several years from now...

We talked about it in great length and decided we were going to stay and do some updating. We decided the first thing to do was to update the bathrooms. Michael wanted to update the main bathroom first; I wanted to update the lower level guest bathroom.

Changing the subject for a moment...I am a Josh Groban fan. Have been since the beginning of his career, and for all of you non-Josh fans, I am NOT NOT NOT referring to the "You raise me up" beginning. I'm talking about Ally McBeal time. Waaaaay back then.

After seeing him the 2nd time in concert,during his Awake tour, I decided to join his fan club. Not to make friends or anything, hell, I wasn't even going to post; I just wanted to learn more about him. Turns out my plan completely backfired, and after being on it several weeks, I started to post. Not only that, I made friends! GOOD friends. TRUE friends. Didn't matter what our ages were, they are truly wonderful people, and I am blessed to have each and every one of them in my life.

So, began our little annual convention that I hold at my house. Every July, the 5 or 6 of us get together and just have a blast. Granted, we TRY to get together other times during the year, but if that doesn't happen, we always know we'll see each other at the convention. And in case some people are thinking we just sit around giggling like teenagers over Josh Groban, you might be surprised to hear that we hardly EVER talk about him at all. He may have brought us together, but we are friends beyond his music.

This July marks the 3rd annual convention. And let me tell you...having you guys use that bathroom downstairs for the last 2 years had bothered me IMMENSELY!!! But, the upstairs bathroom wasn't much better. Hence, my argument for the guest bathroom to be remodeled FIRST.

We called a plumber in...got an estimate and when he said, "If you let me do both bathrooms, I'll cut off $2,000." DONE!

So, the downstairs bathroom was completed first. Ceramic tiled floor to ceiling, new euro sink, AWESOME shower (we've had to use it while the upstairs bathroom was being done), and I have to say, I LOVED it!!! So, this year ladies, you get to shower in an actual S-H-O-W-E-R. (Which some of you may need after we see the concert together) LOL

The upstairs bathroom was completely gutted. Tile was torn out down off the lower half of the walls and replaced with wainscotting. The blue, jacuzzi, cast iron tub was torn out and replaced with an acrylic tub and ceramic tiles. The 1970's poles that divided the sink from the toilet - GONE. The 61" vanity with single sink - ripped out and replaced with double undermount sinks, granite top, with 2 mirrors. The disgusting floor, is now heated ceramic tile floor that I can program when I want it to go on. I. LOVE. IT! All that is left is the shower doors that are special order, painting, and window treatments that I have to be satisfied with (I've gone through 3 already), but all in all I am very, very pleased.

I considered posting pictures, but decided to surprise you guys instead...

I guess this just proves that sometimes dreams can change, but you know what? Sometimes the alternative isn't that bad.

Catching up...

As promised, here is a new blog.

Christmas went pretty well considering it was the first one without Cindy. My mom spent the night and REALLY enjoyed being there in the morning, to open the gifts and watch the kids open theirs. A new tradition has definetely started and we all cherished her being part of our Christmas morning.

Other than my father in law almost choking to death during dinner, and my aunt tripping and hitting the floor HARD, it was a nice Christmas.

About 2 days after Christmas, I got a phone call at work with my mother in law in hysterics. I couldn't even tell it was her and it took me a few seconds to figure it out. When I heard "called 911 on my husband" I knew it was her. She eventually put my brother in law on the phone and he told me that my father in law had another dementia episode and almost killed her. She managed, miraculously, to run out of the house and she ran to a neighbors to call the police. We all firmly believe, AND KNOW, if she didn't take advantage of that split second she had to make a run for it, she wouldn't be here today - THAT'S how bad it was.

I called my husband, and after finishing some stuff at work, met her and my brother in law at the local hospital. We met with social workers and it was decided that he would be sent to a psychiatric hospital, where they could thoughly test him and get him on medications that would hopefully help him. I spent several hours there until my husband arrived. Yes, I could've stayed, but to be honest, when she was looking at me for advice, I gave it, reluctantly, because, after all, he is NOT my father, and I felt it really was NOT my place to give my opinion. But she asked for it and I gave it.

A few days later she informed me that there was going to be a 'family meeting for her and 'the boys' to hear what the hospital recommended be done for my father in law. To be honest, that insulted me. She way she said it, the tone in her voice, the emphasis on family meeting and the fact I was NOT to be included - rubbed me the wrong way.

Yes, giving my opinion at the hospital made me feel uncomfortable, but shouldn't I have been included in a family meeting? Invited? Been considered part of the family after being in the family for almost 20 years? Wouldn't they want someone, once removed, who is most likely thinking more open minded, and more clearly to be there? To maybe remember something that they would forget, because I'm not as emotionally involved as they are? I can guarantee you one thing, if the shoe was on the other foot, I would want my husband there - for support, at least. And aren't any decisions that are made, directly affect the kids ?

I didn't say anything though. I kept my mouth shut and even kept my hopes going until my husband emailed me saying he was leaving work for meeting. Even until the last possible second, I hoped he would at least say, 'I wish you were going, but I know it makes you feel uncomfortable.' I hoped after being in the family after 20 years, ALWAYS being there for my mother in law when she needed me, despite our HUGE differences, that when the *hit hit the fan, I'd finally be 'accepted' and 'wanted' in that family.

Over the next few days, I didn't say anything. I knew I had to talk to my husband about all this, but I didn't want to bother him with my petty little problems, when he was going through so much. I felt horrible because I felt like I was being selfish, but that didn't change the fact I was hurt. But again, it just wasn't the right time. So, I'd listen to my husband talk, and be there when he was emotionally distraught, and I continued to kept my mouth shut.

Eventually though, everything came out and my husband was beside himself. I, after all, told him I was uncomfortable making decisions etc., so the thought never even crossed his mind that I wanted to be included. I could definetely see his point, and I know I was being unfair, or hormonal, or whatever, but regardless, it still hurt. All I wanted was to hear from him, 'I really want you there, but I understand how you feel.'

Weeks later, as I type this, I am reminded that I didn't follow the one thing in our relationship that has kept us going and happy all these years. The one thing that has kept us going, through good times and bad throughout our entire relationship and that is, communication, communication, communication. If you don't talk about your issues they sit there and fester and become BIGGER issues, and sometimes something that was so small to begin with, can become so big that it is unfixable.

I was lucky this time. The hurt won and I couldn't keep it in any longer. I hate to think what would've happened if I just let that hurt build and build and build. I'll tell you one thing, I won't make that same mistake again.

Can you forgive me?

Sorry for the long delay. Wow, 12/17/2010 was my last blog - that's pretty bad. Not only have I defaulted on keeping up with my own blog, I have neglected the ones I follow, and for that, I give you each a "HUGE I'M SORRY!"

My life has been a total disaster lately and I just shut myself off from everyone - for that I apologize, and I hope you can forgive me. Please know that not a day went by that I didn't think of you guys.

I wanted to let you know I am going to try my hardest to get back into the swing of things, starting with reading your blogs, and I will try to start my own up again soon. I just wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten you guys, and I AM trying to get over the unbelievable, exhausting, nightmare that is otherwise known as my life, lately.