Making a bad situation, good.

Over the past year, my doctor has been wanting to put me on cholestrol medicine because my numbers are elevated and because of my family history. Since swallowing pills is a phobia of mine, chewing cholestrol medicine once or twice a day, for the rest of my life, was NOT something I was going to give in to easily.

So, when the time came for my 6 month recheck, it landed around the time of Lent. Every Lent I give up sweets/snacks, anything along that line. I usually lose a few pounds over those 40 days too. Anyway, I got my blood test done and yes, my numbers dropped. They were still over average, but the doctor didn't try to push the meds on me this time around.

About 3 months ago, my hours got cut at work. The issue was now what do I do from the time I drop Chris off at school at 7:40, until the time I have to go to work at 8:45? With insane gas prices, driving around was out of the question, and most stores don't open until 9 or 10. After several days of mulling ideas around in my brain, I came up with the idea of working out. I talked my mom into rejoining Planet Fitness and now, every morning, we work out. Depending on traffic sometimes its only 25 mins, but hey, I'm still moving, right?

I noticed a difference about 3 weeks ago when all my bras began to gap at the top. Okay, I'm all for losing weight, but THERE??!!!! So, off to Victoria's Secret I go to get measured, and yes, I went down a size, but the cup size stayed the same. Huh? But, okay, I'll take it.

And today, I finally got the courage to try on a pair of jeans at Bon-Ton, in a dress size smaller. The straight leg was tight, but I could zipper and button them. The boot cut - fit fabulous. And where my initial "celebration" reaction was let's go out to eat....I quickly came back down and felt more inspired to keep going.

Now, I'm not stupid, I know the minute I stop working out, I'll gain the weight back, and then some, so, I just have to make sure I keep at it. Even on those mornings where the cat laying on my head, along with my husband's snoring, kept me up all night, I just have to DO IT.

So, getting my hours cut initially, was an issue, but I took the unfortunate situation, and turned it into something positive. Now, if I could just learn to do that in other areas of my life....*sigh*

Regrets

It pains me to recall that a year ago, I was sitting at my desk with this nagging feeling to make amends with my mom - the one who convinced my sister to talk to the landlord, which in turn stopped my girlfriend from coming to stay with her. I will never, ever forget how annoying that feeling was. Now, I know it was God, or my guardian angel, SCREAMING at me to forgive and forget because Cindy only had a few days left on this earth.

I don't want you to think I haven't forgiven myself, because I have. But one thing I will ALWAYS live with is regret. Regret for not listening to the voices, and mending things with Cindy before she died. I learned a valueable, valueable, lesson from it though, and that is to stop being so damn stubborn and to stop holding grudges. That is something I did my entire life, and I will NEVER EVER do that again. Yes, loved ones and friends still piss me off, but I will NOT carry around so much anger in my heart ever again.

I remember during that time I was mad at sooo many people - mostly my family. I remember it being a very dark time and looking back at it now, I don't like what I had become and maybe, just maybe, that's why this whole thing happened. To remind me of the importance of family and to teach me to love - unconditionally.

I read something the other day...A person wanted to know why God lets bad things happen. The answer was simple:

"When our life is going along great, we put God on the back burner. He gives us challenges and disappointment so our relationship with Him will continue to grow."

I can't remember a difficult time in my life when I didn't turn to Him. 9/11 for example; I don't know how I would've gotten through that without believing in Him. And Cindy, of course. I still remember crying my eyes out as we followed the casket down the aisle in the church, but as the mass got under way, I had such a calm wash over me and I KNEW, without a shadow of a doubt, she was in a better place.

After Cindy, I will never forget that He is always with us, guiding us along our way; all we have to do is open our ears and listen.

The weekend heals

On Friday evening Nick informed me that next weekend would be the last time he would be seeing his girlfriend for about a month because she will be traveling with her high school band.

Nick was already punished for his grades and I wasn't about to cave on that, even though my husband was. I told him next weekend he has plans with Tyler to go camping with his family - I guess he has a decision to make as to what he wants to do more. He said he didn't know. I offered to help him out. I told him I'd take him to meet Tyler's family later on in the afternoon or the evening, but he said that wouldn't work. He made the decision to see her for a few hours on Sunday afternoon (when he gets back), at which point he would go to her house (because obviously ours is out of the question now). I guess he appreciated my offer to help him though, because after that, things started to get better.

By Sunday night he was coming to me for a kiss goodnight, and Monday morning, he came to me for a kiss goodbye.

So, things have improved. He understands that the rules are the rules and they aren't going anywhere. Guess it was up to him to accept them.

Yesterday, during work I got a text from Tyler apologizing for the things he said. I told him I was hurt; that after everything we did for him we didn't deserve it. I told him I accepted his apology, but the rules remain. He was fine with it and then asked if he could come over after school. I told him he could but he had to be home by 5 since it was a work/school night.

Slowly, things are getting better which is great; because Sunday will be a year that Cindy died and I'm now dealing with all those memories...

Wake me up from this nightmare!

Explain to me how in one week, my tight knit, loving family has completely come undone? Honestly, I don't even know who we are anymore; and it scares the shit out of me.

Monday night, while at dinner, I told Nick, "You're father and I have discussed a few things and there are some new rules. #1 You won't be downstairs with your girlfriend anymore. She's more than welcome to come over, but you guys will be upstairs in the living room. #2 If your friends spend the night, when we go to bed the router will be turned off and you will not be able to play your PS3 online." (reason being, they can get online with with PS3 and I don't know what they could be watching).

He FLIPPED! Said nothing was going on and we didn't have a right to do this to him.

I told him, "I don't appreciate going downstairs and finding him and his girlfriend lying on the couch together. It make us uncomfortable and its disrespectful. I'm also not ready to be a grandmother at 43." Adding, "I also hope, what you guys have done you aren't kissing and telling, because that would be totally disrespectful to HER!"

He denies ALL OF THIS. Now, in case you haven't figured it out, THIS is what my girlfriend informed me she found on her sons phone - Details of their making out, which of course, I am forbidden to tell him I know about.

He storms out of the house for 1.5 hours.

All Tuesday he doesn't speak to us. Leaves for school, no goodbye. Eats dinner and gets up and walks out of the house again. Doesn't tell us where he is going or anything. Comes back, gets in the shower, nothing said. Now I'm getting pissed!

Yesterday morning, I go to him, "How long are you going to keep up the silent treatment?" He shrugs. (My father is known to do the silent treatment to my mom for weeks or months on end) "I am NOT grandma! If you want to continue to live here, but not be part of this family, don't expect me to continue to cook for you and do your laundry. Grandma may put up with the silent treatment, I WON'T! I'm NOT Grandma!!!!" A few minutes later, as he's getting ready to leave for school, I get a mumbled, "bye." I respond with a curt "See ya!" When the door closes - I cry.

I come home from work and hear him in the family room, playing his PS3 and talking on the phone. I hear him talking about...drugs. WTF!? I listen and I listen, turn white and listen some more.

MIchael comes home and I inform him of what I hear. I text Nick that we're eating, because at this moment I am not able to talk to him. Michael asks him point blank, Nick gives a smartass comment and now I have no idea what to believe. I would like to think being an athlete he wouldn't be so stupid, but honestly, I don't know. I don't like what I heard and he claims they were kidding around. I'm not sure I'm buying it.

We change the subject back to the new rules. We tell him we don't understand how these 2 little rules got him so upset if nothing was going on. It really shouldn't be a big deal. He continues to tell us that his bff is furious with us and never wants to come here again because we obviously don't trust him. Michael flips. I mean FLIPS!!! He screams he has no right to be furious with us. We have done everything for that kid, and he has lived with us every weekend for the entire year. We treated him like he is our own kid, took him to dinner with us, included him in everything, and he's mad at US! Now I dont' want HIM here, and he's forbidden to come here!" At this point, I'm sitting there crying, getting more and more hurt by this whole thing and I say, "Tyler can bite us Nick!" Chris is crying. Michael gets up and starts throwing things. Chris runs in his room. Nick storms to get his sneakers on. I go after Chris. Just total and complete disaster!!

I notice Nick grabs his wallet before he leaves. I say, "What do you need your wallet for Nick?" He leaves and I tell Michael, at which point he says he's going to follow him.

He runs into him in the front of the house and they start arguing again. I go out and say, "The neighborhood doesn't need to know our business." So, we all go back inside.

The 3 of us sit at the table and have a somewhat 'normal' discussion. He feels we are taking away his freedom, and I tell him, I got information saying this needs to be done. He says I always say that. I say, "Don't you think its funny how everything is fine, and one day, out of the blue, all this happens? I was tipped off and I don't care if you believe me or not. May God strike me dead right now if I'm lying."

We continue to tell him that its funny how all his friends stop wanting to come here because of these 2 little rules. It just tells us that they didn't like coming here, because they like our family, they liked that you guys got alot of freedom.

I informed Nick that as he got older, and got more responsiblities, there'd be more rules. For example, when he starts driving, he will tell us where he is going, and if he gets there and they decide to go some place else, we will know about it. He will have a curfew and if he breaks any of the rules, he will be punished. Rules are a part of living in this house and he better get used to them.

Michael said, "He will never kick him out, but if he thinks its better someplace else, he is more than free to go."

This is how it ends. Nothing really resolved. Nothing accomplished.

I just want my family back the way it was; and I'm not sure that'll ever happen.

Tonight I am going out with my sister in law. She won tickets to a play from a radio station last week and luckily invited me along since her boyfriend is working. I thank God and her for this, I'll get a few hours break from all of this and I've never needed it more.

Teenagers - it's never an easy thing, is it?

What do you do when one of your closest friends emails you on mothers day, informing you of some disturbing information in regards to your teenager? Nothing illegal; nothing surprising; nothing out of the ordinary for a teenager to do...just something disturbing? She also went on to add that its none of her business what my kid does, but she feels he could influence her son, and THATS an issue. Then I was told I could NEVER EVER tell him I got the information from her because that would ruin her relationship with her kid.

At first I was embarassed. Then I was pissed at him. I haven't been able to look at him since I found out the news and I've been wracking my brain trying figure out a way to bring this up to him, WITHOUT telling him how I know. It's IMPOSSIBLE.

So, I spent the majority of yesterday in tears, over that and over the remembrance that last mother's day Cindy tried to call me several times and I refused to answer the phone. That would've been the last time I spoke to her...

Michael says to let go of the guilt - which I thought I had, obviously I hadn't completely. He also added that he thinks my friend did this deliberately on Mother's day to ruin it. He said there was no reason why this couldn't have been sent to me on Monday. I am having a hard time believing that she would be that way, but he is insistant. He also said her kid is not innocent and whether our kid is saying stuff he shouldn't be is irrelevant, because her kid already knows all about it himself.

So this morning I woke up still depressed over this whole mess and NOW pissed at her. How dare she say my kid is influencing her kid - her kid is not 5 he's 16, and isn't blind to things around him.

So, as I finally get resolve from the school issue, I'm now thrown into another issue - one that I may lose one of my closest friends over, and one that is going to change my teenagers life as he knows it because the reigns will now be pulled in dramatically, and I still haven't figured out what to tell him as to why.

Sometimes, being a parent - SUCKS!

And the winner is...

This morning at Chris' school, they had a Mom and Muffin' day. From 9:15-10am Mom's, Grandmothers, Aunts, etc, etc got to go to the school and enjoy muffin's with the kids. I went to the gym with my Mom, and then we headed off to the school.

While there, we were presented with gifts the children had made; whether they were a card, or a clay sculpture, or a silly hat, we all loved them the same.

At one time, the principal asked the kids to come up to get a gift the school had for their guests. Chris returned with a Dark Blue mug, with St. Vincent de Paul School written in gold (the schools colors). With the school closing, it is now a souvenior of what once was.

This is what this last month is like for me. The LAST Mom's and Muffin's, Tuesday's rescheduled field trip, is the LAST field trip for St. Vincent's, soon it'll be the last children's mass, and the last day of school, not for summer, but FOREVER.

Yesterday, Christopher shadowed at the public school. When it was time to pick him up, I had my Mom come, so she could see where the school was. When I walked into the office, I saw him sitting there smiling, as the guidance counselor talked to him.

The guidance counselor told me that the homeroom teacher he was assigned to thought Chris had a ball. I asked a few more questions, and we were walking out of the school about 10 minutes later.

When I asked Chris if he liked it, he said, "Better than Annunciation."(the private school he shadowed last week). I asked him to grade it on a scale from 1 to 10. He gave it a 9. (He gave Annunciation a 5). I asked if the kids were nice. He said, "They ALL were, not like at Annunciation." So, the decision was made. THIS was going to be Chris' new school.

Later that night, when we were sitting at dinner he told Michael about the day. He was EXCITED! He talked about the lockers and the traffic light at the lunchroom. (It lights yellow when the noise level gets too loud, and if it turns red, there has to be silence for 5 minutes). He was shocked that when the kids had something to work on, the teacher put music on; not only that, he took kids requests. To Chris this was the most exciting school ever, and that's exactly what I wanted.

Later on in the evening, Chris says, "Do you know why I gave the school a 9 and not a 10?" I shook my head no. "Because of CCD." But that was not the school's fault. So now the 9 became a 10. I felt sooo good with my decision. I asked God for a sign of what to do, and the gleam in his eye, and excitement in his voice was it.

Though it'll be sad to say goodbye to St. Vincents, it'll be a bit easier knowing Chris is so stoked to go to public school next year. And even though we will have to deal with CCD classes every Sunday morning, for the next 3 years, until he receives Confirmation, it'll be a bit of a comfort, because that is what my sister, Cindy, used to teach, and somehow I feel like she'll be there with him.

I suddenly feel like a child

So, its ALMOST official; After almost 50 years of marriage, my parents are splitting. I say ALMOST because my Mom wrote a contract on a condo, but it hasn't been finalized yet. The seller's have until tonight to let her know if they accepted her offer or if they are going to counter.

I've seen my parents relationship fall apart over the last 20 years. Part of me is almost relieved. I mean, no more fighting and no more hating each other. But another part of me, the child part, is crushed. Even at 42 I find myself saddened over the fact my parents are splitting.

They will not get a divorce though - they have just become one of those couples that can't live together any longer. In fact, my mom believes that they will get along better if they live separate.

I'm already seeing signs of that, as my Dad told her that he is buying her a big screen TV out of his money.

There's nothing more that I'd like to see than to have my parents fall in love again, and maybe, hopefully, absence WILL make the heart grow fonder - this time.