Regrets

It pains me to recall that a year ago, I was sitting at my desk with this nagging feeling to make amends with my mom - the one who convinced my sister to talk to the landlord, which in turn stopped my girlfriend from coming to stay with her. I will never, ever forget how annoying that feeling was. Now, I know it was God, or my guardian angel, SCREAMING at me to forgive and forget because Cindy only had a few days left on this earth.

I don't want you to think I haven't forgiven myself, because I have. But one thing I will ALWAYS live with is regret. Regret for not listening to the voices, and mending things with Cindy before she died. I learned a valueable, valueable, lesson from it though, and that is to stop being so damn stubborn and to stop holding grudges. That is something I did my entire life, and I will NEVER EVER do that again. Yes, loved ones and friends still piss me off, but I will NOT carry around so much anger in my heart ever again.

I remember during that time I was mad at sooo many people - mostly my family. I remember it being a very dark time and looking back at it now, I don't like what I had become and maybe, just maybe, that's why this whole thing happened. To remind me of the importance of family and to teach me to love - unconditionally.

I read something the other day...A person wanted to know why God lets bad things happen. The answer was simple:

"When our life is going along great, we put God on the back burner. He gives us challenges and disappointment so our relationship with Him will continue to grow."

I can't remember a difficult time in my life when I didn't turn to Him. 9/11 for example; I don't know how I would've gotten through that without believing in Him. And Cindy, of course. I still remember crying my eyes out as we followed the casket down the aisle in the church, but as the mass got under way, I had such a calm wash over me and I KNEW, without a shadow of a doubt, she was in a better place.

After Cindy, I will never forget that He is always with us, guiding us along our way; all we have to do is open our ears and listen.