Songs hit you the hardest...

So, it's been almost 1 year and 3 months since I've lost my sister. I've come a long way, if I do say so myself. I can look at pictures and miss her, but not cry. I can remember something she said, or recall an argument we had, and be okay with it. I've accepted the fact that our relationship was rocky, but I loved her, and she loved me, and know that I am blessed for the time I had her, frequently thanking God for giving her to me as a sister.

I've grown from the whole experience. I am still living my new way of NOT holding grudges, and I forgive so much easier, even if the person hasn't asked for forgiveness.

But even if you've never lost anyone close to you before, you all know how certain things can trigger memories of someone. It can be a scent, or a song, or even seeing a movie that you know is someone's all-time favorite.

I haven't "cried" over Cindy in months. Yes, I've gotten teary-eyed, at times, but I haven't broke down and "cried" in a while. That is, until church on Saturday.

We are still trying to get comfortable in our new parish. It is even more difficult to get used to our priest, because shortly after we joined, he had surgery and we've had a fill in priest instead.

To our surprise, the regular priest did the mass on Saturday, and I was happy to see him. I mean, I just want some type of stability where our spiritual life is right now, you know?

So, everything is going along fine. He does his homily and then the organist starts to play the offeratory song. When they announced it was "Be Not Afraid" my heart sank. I hadn't heard that song in over a year, and the last time I heard it was when were walking into church, following my sister's casket.

I took deep breaths, tried to keep my composure for my famiy's sake, and my own. Their was a gap in the congregation, and where I was sitting, the priest had a direct view OF ME! I kept blinking, and looking up. Breathing and trying to think of something else. But at last, I LOST. One tear rolled down my face, followed by a steady stream. I wasn't "ugly" crying or even crying hard...they were just rolling down and I couldn't stop them.

Christopher was looking at me horrified. The priest was looking, even though I was avoiding eye contact, the people next to me were trying to figure out what happened. It was AWKWARD to say the least.

When mass was over, the people sitting next to me say, "Sorry about the kneeler, I didn't think about checking first." I smile and say, "It's fine," but then I realized, 'OMG, they think they put the kneeler on my foot and I was crying over that??!!!!' I felt awful, but what was I going to do, say, "Oh, it's okay, I'm just crying over my late sister?" I.don't.think.so.

So, FINALLY, we are leaving, Chris asked what was wrong and is asking if HE did something. Feeling myself getting choked up and not being in the privacy of my car yet, I just said, "No, honey, it's not you...I'll tell you later."

Nick and his girlfriend finally see me and Nick yells out, "OH MY GOSH, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU??!!" Smooth, Nick, real smooth, but I couldn't help but giggle.

Once we were in the car I told them. Michael, along with everyone else, had no idea. They didn't even remember that song being played at her funeral. My response?

"Of course not, I didn't think you would. She was MY sister, not yours. Just know, if I ever break down in church like that, it's most likely something with Cindy."

We went out to dinner after that and the rest of the night I was fine.

I guess I just have to realize I will never FULLY get over the loss of my sister, and Saturday night is proof that music can touch your heart and soul, deeper, than you can even imagine.