Here we go again...

So, Tuesday I had my 6 month mammogram recheck. I have to go every 6 months because I have fibrocystic breasts and there is a lump in my left one that they are CAREFULLY monitoring.

Well, I noticed before my last 'cycle' it had become HUGE! I mean, took up the whole left side of my breast HUGE! But, a few days later it shrunk again. Still, I let Michael feel it and he about jumped out of the chair. He screamed, "You better have that looked at!" I giggled and told him it's a cyst - they grow and shrink along with my hormones. Besides I go for my mammogram on Tuesday.

So, I tell the radiologist that story and she brings the films back to the dr. She comes back and says, "I'll say its grown and on top of that, you now have a lump in the right breast." My response? "I knew it grew, but it went down from where it was 2 weeks ago - that's good, right?" SHe agreed and added, "We need to take accurate measurements of the one we've been watching, make sure the fluid still looks clear, and then verify that the new one in the right IS just a cyst." Normally, she would've taken me right over to the ultrasound room, but NOT that day. She was completely booked and now I have to wait until Monday at 11am to have it done.

I have to admit I'm a little more nervous than usual, but I also understand everything is in God's hands and worrying will do nothing but give me a migraine and an ulcer. So, I'll do my best to take deep breaths and wait to have the answer.

In the meantime, asking for some additional prayers would be appreciated - thanks.

...and suddenly I'm 5 again

I am a 42 year old woman, a wife and a mother of two boys ages 17 and 11. I own a house, and have the same full time job (for 12 years now). I have a dog, a cat and admittedly so, several dust bunnies. I consider myself kind, compassionate and understanding. I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally and to have a teenage son and a pre-teen that both look forward to spending time with me. I think I've done okay in my life and on a whole I think I'm a decent person. I thrive to live by the golden rule and apply it in all aspects of my life (both professionally and personally). Yes, I have faults and lots of them; but to name just a few: I'm stubborn, shy, and don't trust people very easily. But when I feel I can trust you, and I open my heart to someone, they have my heart completely - nothing held back and I will drop everything to help them if they need me to. All in all, I am a well rounded individual, who has their head screwed on right and who tries to live in a christian way.

So, explain to me how my father can confront me about something (out of the blue) and suddenly I feel like a 5 year old child again? During this "confrontation" I stood there, looking at him, praying for him to finish, just so I could run away and cry. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

I am an adult and should have gave it right back to him, but instead he made me feel like I was a horrible daughter (not once, but twice in this conversation) when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I am anything BUT that. But, there I was, standing in my office parking lot, ready to go home for the day, when I swear I felt myself shrink, my clothes hang on me, and I was transformed back to my childhood days again.

On the rare occasion that the unfair guilt trip disappears for a moment, I find myself angry - angry that I didn't stand up for myself, or better yet...just say, "I'm not listening to this crap - with the recent storms, flooding, friendships finalized, inlaw issues, and today's 6 month mammogram recheck - I DONT NEED THIS!"

Why didn't I just be the adult that HE raised me to be and stand up for myself, and leave with my head held high? Why?