Ouch!

Have you ever been so hurt by what someone said that you just stood there, mouth hanging open, heart on the floor, tears welling in your eyes, the moment your ears heard it?

That was me, last night listening to Nick rant a rave about not having his PS3 right now, because of his grades. He went on and on and on about unfair it was and blah, blah, blah, blah, but when, out of the blue, he said, "And you guys don't care. You haven't been to a basketball game other than yesterday, in over 3 years!"

My initial reaction was shock, followed by the above reactions. Then after about 20 seconds I snapped. I said, "How dare you?! How many times have I been called into my bosses office, on the verge of being fired, because of all the times I left early to watch your games! You're a selfish, ungrateful little brat!"

And you know what? I think it's my fault that he is that way. Ever since he was born, he got pretty much everything he wanted; and if I didn't get it, the grandparents did. The kid wants for nothing - so, of course, the moment he doesnt get what he wants (which is his PS3 back) he throws a 3 year old temper tantrum. Only difference is, he's not throwing himself on the floor kicking and screaming; he's ripping my heart out, throwing it on the floor and kicking it around instead.

During dinner Michael said, "The comment you made was unfair and untrue." Do you know what Nick did? He got up and left the room.

This morning, while I was making coffee I said, "I printed out the directions to your away game (which is this afternoon) a few days ago - I had every intention on going. I'm not sure I am now."

I don't know why I told him...no wait, yes I do. I thought he'd take that opportunity to apologize, but...he didn't.

And you know what? I'm not going. It's time for tough love and as much as it will kill me not to go, I want him to score and play amazingly well, look up in the stands, and for the first time I won't be there!

I know now why they call it tough love, as I sit here with tears in my eyes, I just hope I have the strength to follow through.

Today is the office Christmas party....ask me if I'm in the mood for it and I'll show you this picture, because a picture says a thousand words....

Now it makes sense...wait...what?

Monday night Nick came home from basketball practice in a foul mood (no pun intended). So much so, that Michael flew off the handle and World War III started at my house.

Now, I totally understand WHY he lost it; Nick totally disrespected both of us, but when Michael flips like that, it scares Christopher - hell, it scares me too. Immediately after the blow out, Michael and I left for the gym with my words to Christopher being, "Take a shower and stay away from your brother!"

We return from the gym, and Michael immediately goes into Nick's room and they 'talk'. The door opens and Nick is in tears. I don't say anything. Those of you that know Nick know he is not the huggy, mushy kind of kid. I seriously think since kindergarten I've received 1, 2, 3 maybe 4 hugs from him.

I tell Chris to brush his teeth and I start getting his bed ready when Nick says to me, "This day sucks!" Normally, that type of talk wouldn't be accepted, but he's 16 and mad and I now is NOT the time to get on him for saying 'sucks'. Moments later he says, "Me and ...... broke up." My mouth hits the floor and he flies into my arms, crying on my shoulder.

Now his foul mood before makes sense!!!

My heart breaks for him. Yes, this is what I wanted. This is what I was waiting for, but seeing him hurt like this....I didn't want THIS!

"Why did you break up?" I ask.

"Because nothing was working. We were constantly fighting."

"But you told me that's the way she was - she loved to fight." He doesn't say anything, or I don't remember what he said, but I add, "I'm sorry."

The next night, Christopher has a Christmas concert - followed by the kindergarteners putting on a play. I dread the play. Why, oh why, can't they just put their play on for their own parents? Why does the whole school have to be forced to watch it? Yes, I know the first few minutes will be cute, but after that - please shoot me, right?

Wrong!

They were really good. No, wait, they were really, really, REALLY good. They made us go awww, and made us laugh, they made us remember what Christmas was about, they made me sit there with tears in my eyes at the end, just because it was just so darn adorable. Needless to say, I felt like a complete idiot because its not like MY kid was in it; but I just couldn't help it.

We come home afterwards, and Nick is on the phone with his bff, Adam, laughing and joking and laughing some more. This is good.

Yesterday was Nick's first official basketball game. They were playing against the catholic high school that he almost went to, and he knows several of the kids on the team. Adam and his mom, Jeanie, (I've spoke of her several times), come to the game because his Adam goes to the other school.

Nick's team got killed, but it was a good effort on their part. Nick played about half of the game, but was off on his shots. He is ALOT more aggressive, confident and handles the ball alot better than he used to. I was impressed to say the least.

During break I took Jeanie and my mom around the school a bit. There school is only 3 years new and is GORGEOUS!!!! So, while we were talking Jeanie says, "I have to tell you something. Adam asked Nick why he would date someone like.....if they were always fighting? Nick said because its better than having no one."

Wait....what?

She continues on...."Adam told him he doesn't need a girlfriend and Nick said yes I do. Adam said no you don't, and Nick said yes I do."

This is my good looking, atheletic, popular, great sense of humor, funny, teenage son and he HAS to have a girlfriend? Where the heck did THAT come from?

Sworn to secrecy that I was told this valueable information, I immediately start to plan how to broach this subject without it being obvious.

When I was getting ready for work this morning I non-chalantly asked him, "So, tell me something, when you and ....were fighting, was it because you were hanging out with your friends?"

"Yeah. But I was usually hanging out with my friends when she couldn't get together and she'd still get mad when I'd hang out with them."

"Well, most girlfriends are like that. They are going to want your time. So, why not just hang with your friends and concentrate on basketball right now?"

"(past girlfriend) wasn't like that."

"Well, then, if you're going to have a girlfriend, you need to chose more carefully. Pick someone that doesn't care if you hang with your friends."

"Friends come first!" he states, seriously.

"Yes, they do; until you're married, so enjoy them now."

Don't know if the conversation made an impact on him or not, but sitting here at work I realized something.

He - Is - Me!

He is sooo much like me it's almost scarey. I used to think the same way, I HAD to have a boyfriend and when a relationship ended, I hopped right into another. I never had ME time, or girlfriend time, and I regret that.

So, how do I get Nick to not make the same mistakes I did? How do I get Nick to realize there is so much more to life than having a girlfriend? How do I get him to NOT BE ME?

Christmas cookies baking and new traditions...

So, Saturday I got up, made breakfast, took a shower and about 20 minutes before I was leaving to get Nick's girlfriend, he says, "I think you need to wait to get her because I think she's still sleeping."

Rewind...I KNEW this was going to happen. I knew this girl would bail - but the last minute?

Ten minutes later Nick comes back and says, "She was sleeping because she doesn't feel well."

"Oh, well, if she doesn't feel well, I guess she's not coming." (Believe it or not, I really WAS disappointed). My husband piped in with some comment that it was nice of me to invite her and he really doesn't believe she's sick at all. Nick says, "She's a jerk." Ten minutes later he says, "She says she sorry." I say, "Okay."

So, that left me and my mom to bake cookies. We started at noon and went until 5 p.m. We made TONS and TONS, I don't ever recall making so making. I tried two new recipes this year, Rolo cookies and red velvet cookies. Both are different to say the least - but Rolo kicks red velvet's butt any day. Its not every day you bite into a chocolate cookie and get caramel in the middle. Say it with me people, "YUMM-O!"

So, thanks to Dennis Mitchell on the Breakfast Club from 101.3 the Rose radio for eating one on air and bragging about it. It got my interest peaked and I'm happy I saught the recipe out on line and made it. Definetely a new cookie recipe I'll make every year.

Speaking of new things...this whole Christmas will be new to the family because it'll be the first one without Cindy. Normally, my Mom does Christmas Eve dinner and then Jeff heads back to our house. When we wake up on Christmas morning, I pop cinnamon buns in the oven and we head downstairs with the kids to exchange gifts. At my parents house, Cindy would be there, they'd get up and exchange gifts, and do whatever tradition had been started between the 3 of them, before heading over to our house.

This year, when my mom wakes up, Cindy won't be there and I couldn't stand the thought of her waking up on Christmas morning and having that void so IN her face.

So, during the cookie baking, I invited my mom and dad back to our house on Christmas Eve, that way when they wake up on Christmas morning, they'd be there with all of us and the grandkids.

So, as much as family traditions are important and should be cherished, this year may be the beginning of a new tradition. One where we wake up on Christmas morning, and the whole family is there already.

Here's to old traditions that are no more, and to new ones that are just beginning.

Thanks, I feel better now...

On Wednesday, when I took off of work, I called in and left messages on the boss and the office managers voice mail. During that one minute message, I explained why I wouldn't be there, and as much as I hated to do it I cried. Not just cried - borderline sobbed, as I told them about the autopsy results.

So, when I got into work yesterday, I braced myself for the questions, "Are you okay? How are you doing? How's your mom?" You can imagine my surprise when the only question I got was...NOTHING. Not one flippin' word. Not I'm sorry. Not how are you doing? NOTHING. Guess they were sympathetic when she first died and that was the limit. Gotta love 'the office'.

During lunch, yesterday, I went to the cemetery. I usually try to go at least once a week, and I was just there on Tuesday afternoon. But there was something I had to do. Something I had to say to Cindy, that even though I was afraid I'd feel bad afterwards, I just HAD to do it. I walked over to her, kissed my hand and touched her marker as I always do and yelled, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MAD I AM AT YOU?! DO YOU!!??" Then I cried, prayed, said I loved her and missed her, kissed my hand and touched her marker again and left...sobbing my way to car.

But you know what?

I felt 110% better! A weight had been lifted and I know I'll be okay now. I'm upset, but I'm not angry and bitter like I was when I first heard the news.

My mother called her neurosurgeon yesterday to inform him of the results. He explained that pneumonia can kill VERY quickly and my mother was thinking she wasn't sick for a few weeks like we thought. I tried explaining to my mother that she didn't wake up on Friday with pneumonia and die on Saturday morning. She got pissed and started yelling at me that this came from a doctor and I said, "Mom, she had a cold, like all her friends said, and it TURNED into pneumonia! So, yes, she may have only had pneumonia for a few days, but she was still sick with a cold, FIRST!" When she started 'listening' to what I was saying, she realized I was right.

Tomorrow is our cookie baking day with Nick's girlfriend. I'm really not in the mood for this now, as I've lost most of the Christmas spirit I had, but I think it'll be good, for all 3 of us. I can't wait to tell you how it goes on Monday ;)

Is it just me?

I took off of work yesterday, I couldn't face going in and talking about the results, especially after a sleepless night and my emotions raw. Today, I'm back at work - and still angry.

One of the people that works in the office thinks she can do whatever she wants and its her way or NO way. We are having an office Christmas party next week, and she decided she was the head of the decorating committee. She started re-arranging the conference room, where the party will be, and blocked the computer room door that I happen to go into daily. So, I moved the table out of the way this morning, did my thing, and left it to the side. One of the ladies comes into my office and said, "I told her she can't block that door and she replied I don't care if they go in there every day, they can move it and then move it back."

Did I mention...the party isn't for a week and a half!!!!

In my state of mind, I immediately flipped. Actually, this particular person and me have butted heads before, because I'm one of the few that don't jump when she says to. So, I printed off a LARGE note saying - DO NOT BLOCK DOOR!!! I taped it on the door and sit here anxiously waiting for World War 3 to begin.

Now, don't misunderstand me, I'm not going to create a scene and end up getting fired over this, but why can't this woman, set the table up the night before the party? Why does she insist on doing it a week and a half before, and say that she doesn't care if it inconveniences anyone else?

After Cindy died, I've learned to let the little things go, and I don't hold grudges anymore (which I'd done my entire life). But, feeling so bitter and angry over the results, I wanted to get your opinion if I'm over reacting to this whole stupid table incident.

So, let me hear it....

Well, the results are in...

So 8 days after hearing the autopsy results were in, my brother finally got the call yesterday.

All this time, from the day she died, and we knew we were getting an autopsy done, I expected nothing less than peace from finally knowing what it was that took Cindy away from us. But, after getting the results I feel anything, BUT that.

I'm mad, I'm bitter, I'm angry, I'm stunned, I'm depressed. I realize I may wake up tomorrow and feel totally different, but right now, in this moment, it's how I feel. I couldn't sleep last night, so I stayed up and cried at how much more unfair this all seems now, because it was treatable.

Cindy died of pneumonia. That's right, pneumonia!

So, for all those weeks that she was so sick. All those nights she called her friend in panic mode and said when she laid down at night she'd cough so bad and couldn't breathe, if she would've just went to the doctor, in a reasonable amount of time, there is a probability she would not have died. This, infuriates me.

My friends say, "You know if she knew, she wouldn't have let it go." Of course not! She loved the kids she worked with, her friends, her nephews and us, of course if she knew she would've went to the doctor, but the bottom line is...she's not here with us anymore because of something treatable.

Friends also say, "Well Leslie Neilsen just died from it last week." Yes, but he was in his 80's?! Older people that are ill, usually pneumonia will do them in, I KNOW that, but NOT a 49 year old, healthy woman!

The medical examiner also said that pneumonia mixed with her high blood pressure makes it more serious, but she also said if she would've went to the doctor, most likely she would've recovered.

In the grieving process, I felt I have made pretty good progress. Thanksgiving was good and I actually had a bit of the Christmas spirit, but after hearing this, I feel like she just died all over again.

It's just a shame, its unfair and it was unnecessary.

As unhealthy as it is, I'm hurt, angry, heartbroken, and mad, and I may be for a while.

When a plan backfires...

So, as stated in my previous blog, Nick is dating someone who is a bad seed. I don't know if she knows I know WHY she is a bad seed, but Nick told me about her past when they first started dating.

Without going into detail, I will say, that she had a horrible, horrible childhood and no child should EVER EVER have to go through what she has endured. I am sympathetic to her story. My heart breaks for her. But, when I think she is going to bring my son down the drain with her, I have to put my mind ABOVE my heart. Protecting Nick and his future is the only thing that matters!

So, as you all recall I was going to invite her to bake Christmas cookies, just so she would turn me down and I'd have a score 1 for me trying to be nice. Sunday night I sent her a pm on facebook and she answered with a big fat Y-E-S! Okay, well not exactly, but she's coming.

My reaction after reading that surprised me...I'm actually excited for this little get together. I don't know what happened from the time I deviously conjured up this exceptional plan, but the second I saw it backfired, I was nothing less than...happy.

Okay, let's look at the facts here...If I'm thinking correctly, Nick hasn't ever stayed with anyone as long as this one. She obviously cares about Nick because she immediately sent me an apology when Nick yelled at her for her comment about me on facebook. She obviously needs some guidance in her life and maybe, just maybe, I can be that person. (did I just say that?)

Yes, yes, I did, because you know what, maybe her accepting my invitation is her reaching out. I know she doesn't have a mother she can go to, and after what happened to her growing up, I doubt she really trusts anyone, so maybe, I can have an impact on this girl and actually help her.

Am I dreaming?

Am I reaching?

Am I setting myself up for disappointment?

Perhaps, but isn't it the season for miracles?

Family traditions...

When I was just a little girl, I started a tradition of buying my mother a dated Christmas ornament every year. I still follow through with that tradition, and forty years later, she can decorate her entire tree with just the ornaments she has received from me.

When I got married, my mom started a tradition for me; every year she buys us a moving ornament. When my kids were born, I started the tradition of buying them ornaments every year, so when they grow up and get a place of their own, they already have a start.

In the house I currently live in we do 2 trees. The tree in the living room is done in victorian style, and the one in the lower level family room, is our 'sentimental' tree.

This is the tree where I hang all 18 of my mother's moveable ornaments, and my kids hang their own ornaments. It is full of ornaments that I gave my husband throughout the years and he gave me. It is scattered with 'sister' ornaments, that Cindy gave me over the years, and ornaments that I received from dear friends. This is the tree where our hearts are hung.

Another tradition that was started several years ago was Nick buying me a calendar every year. Not just any calendar, but Zelda's Bulldog Calendar. It is the one where she dresses up bulldogs in different outfits for each month. This is one gift I ALWAYS know I'm getting, but I always look forward to getting it, and I hope, it carries on, even after he's married.

Family traditions like these can be carried on for years, sometimes they can even be carried on from generation to generation, but some, sadly, seem to always get lost along the way.

What family traditions do you have, and which ones do you miss?

Don't know what you've got till its gone...

Who remembers the late 80's, early 90's band, Cinderella? If you know who they are, then you know the song in my title. You probably even sang it in the car, or in your bedrooms, countless times.

I can not count the number of times I had said those words throughout my adult life. And it doesn't necessarily pertain to just losing someone you love, it's revelant in so many other scenarios.

When my house was burglarized last year, I had lost the feeling of being safe in my home. I know now that I will NEVER live in a home without a security system. They stole some sentimental jewlery from me, like the necklace my parents bought me when I received my first Holy Communion and my wedding earrings. Now, I knew I loved those things - they were, and ARE irreplaceable, I just didn't know how much they meant, until they and my home security, were gone.

We lost our hamster last year as well. He was a cute little teddy bear hamster, but cleaning his cage was a ROYAL pain in my butt, and swore I'd never get another hamster again. But on nights when we talk about "Teddy" I realize just how great he was. He was the weirdest hamster I have ever known. He filled his wheel with food and bedding and slept in it, and at 3am would run for about 2 minutes with stuff flying all over him, and then go back to sleep. When I'd put him in his hamster ball, so he could run around the house, he preferred to just fall asleep in it instead. One morning, my husband had left for work, and I was 1/2 asleep in bed. I heard my golden retriever walking around strangely - almost like she was limping. I let it go for about ten minutes before deciding I needed to see if she's okay. I go into my kids dark bedroom with a flashlight and see this thing bolt across the floor, while my dog is jumping around like she's playing. Right away I think 'mouse!' but then go and check Teddy's cage. He's NOT in there. My next thought is, 'my dog is going to eat him!' On the way back to the kids bedroom, I run into Teddy standing on his hind feet in the hallway, just looking at me. I miss him and didn't know how much I loved him until he was gone.

I always thought if I ever got breast cancer, if they ever had to remove my breasts, I'd be 'okay'. I mean, I'd get firm, perky breasts again! It wasn't until there was a possibility I may have breast cancer that I realized, 'I want my saggy ones!"

I hurt my left hand the other day, the pinky to be exact. I'm right handed and figured this wouldn't affect me too much. It's my left hand pinky, for crying out loud. Well, let me tell you, I NEVER realized how much I used that hand, and that finger, until I couldn't. Even typing, which I do CONSTANTLY at my job, has been quite a feat since it happened.

It always bother me when someone dies, who wasn't that great of a person, and the second they die they are a hero and put on a pedestal. What the heck is that? Take Michael Jackson for instance...the media called him a freak, a child molester, and lets not forget Wacko-Jacko, but the instant he died he was this AMAZING man. Talented? Hell yes, I admit that, but the instant he was gone everything he did wrong was forgotten. His death, in fact, consumed the media so much, that the passing of Farah Fawcett on the same day, was barely even mentioned or covered.

Now, I bet your wondering what this has to do with anything, and you're probably waiting for me to bring Cindy into this, but I'm not. Why? Because 'Don't know what you got till its gone,' in its typical meaning, DOES NOT apply to Cindy.

When Cindy died, through all her friends and co-workers, we learned who she REALLY was, the happy, always smiling, fun Cindy. We also learned of the extent of her volunteering, and the differences she made in people's lives. To them, 'Don't know what you got till its gone' fits perfectly; to me, how can it?

We found out the other day that the autopsy results are finally in! Can you believe it? And it only took 6.5 months!! Now, if the medical examiner would ever return my brother's phone call, we could actually HEAR what the results are! Guess, that'll take another 6.5 months to get. *eye roll* Since I've heard they are in though, she has been brought to the forefront of my mind again. I dream of her nightly, and even went to call her the other night (I hadnt done that in months).

So, I think new emotions have surfaced in this grieving journey and that would be anger. Anger over her NOT letting us know who she really was. To me the song sings, 'Didn't know who you were until you were gone.

Joys of being a parent to a teenager

So, I have a 16 year old son, who is dating someone, for the first time, that I don't approve of. She's just not a good seed.

Yesterday, while on facebook, I went to her wall, as I often do, and found a post in regards to me.

"Was gonna go to the movies with Nick tmrw but his mom made premade plans to do sumthing else. This is bullshit!" (and yes, that is an EXACT quote)

Now, I've caught her making non-direct comments pertaining to me on her wall before, but I never said anything because, they weren't direct - involving my name. But this time, I felt she went too far. After work, I confronted Nick.

"If you want me to be your scapegoat to one of your friends, that's fine, but at least tell me about it." He didn't know what scapegoat meant, so I had to explain the whole thing to him. So I fill him in on his girlfriends post.

He exclaims, "SHE SAID THAT ABOUT YOU?!"

I tell him, "I don't even know what she is talking about. When I suggested you go bowling with your bff's, I wasn't aware of ANY plans you had with her. I'm being blamed for something I wasn't even aware of. Now, your girlfriend doesn't have to LIKE me, but she WILL respect me."

So, he immediately texts her. Then I think, 'crap, he needs to tell her HE saw the post, or she'll know I check out her posts.' But, the damage was already done.

Nick says, "I just told her if she ever talks about my family like that again, we're done!" I beam for a moment, and feel proud, but then think rationally - I HOPE that's the truth.

Next, he says, "I want to see the post."

Now, he's been forbidden to go on facebook because of his grades, so I log in with my info and as it's loading I say, "I bet you she blocked me, AND deleted the post." Sure enough - she had. So he logs in under his name and she deleted the post. Can I call this girl or what?

About a half hour later I get an email from her with a long apology. What's a mother to do? Nick informs me that when I reply to her I can't tell her that I didn't know they had plans. So, now I have to cover his butt, and take the blame for something I didn't even know? I'm not liking that!

Long story short, I told her I appreciated her email, and accepted her apology and we'll cough it up to a misunderstanding.

She says, "Next time, I'll make sure Nick tells you sooner."

I reply, "I didn't even know you had plans until I saw your post."

Okay, so I didn't do what Nick asked, exactly, but I am also a firm believer if you make a mistake, you admit it and blaming someone else or LETTING someone else take the blame for it is 110% w-r-o-n-g!

When I got to work this morning, Nick texts me.

"Can I hang out with her on Sunday?" (guess she made sure I had pleeenty of notice THIS time)

I reply, "Probably. Will she be coming to our house?" (now I already know the response)

"Can I go there?" Ahh, just the response I was expecting - now this girl is going to avoid me like the plague.


At work, I'm sitting there, thinking, 'Okay, I think it would be really funny to be super nice to this girl, and see what she does. I think I will invite her to make Christmas cookies with me, just so she can say, "Ummm, NO!"'

Am I evil or what?