If I knew then, what I know now...

My sister was involved with someone for close to 20 years. I say 'involved' because she had a body in the apt with her, but there was no love between them. For example, when her medical problems would flair, he was kind enough to put her in a cab to go to the hospital, and then he'd call my parents and act like he was a hero for hailing a cab. They broke up about two years ago because he wanted to move to the Pocono's and she couldn't leave her doctors.

This was a blessing, but also a nightmare.

During those years he tore her down emotionally and left her with no self worth, so this was the blessing. Unfortunately, she also relied on him financially and this was the nightmare. My parents helped out with the rent, but she was barely hanging on. She became one of these people that had to choose medication or food. But soon a temporary answer fell into my lap.

My girlfriend, a young woman from out of the area, was going to be in NY for several months and needed a place to stay. I immediately thought of Cindy. Here, she'd get some extra help with the rent. I called Cindy and she was all for it. I told my parents, and suddenly I was a hero.

"Thank you for thinking of her and helping her," my mom said.

"Of course I want to help her, she's my sister and it just made sense," I reply, happy it all worked out so perfectly.

Christopher's birthday party was a few weeks later. A few days before Cindy arrived, she called me and said that she had been dieting and had lost a bunch of weight. She said she was a few pounds shy of her high school weight, and you could hear in her voice just how ecstatic she was. I told her that was great, and couldn't wait to see her.

The day she arrived, I walked into my parents house and I was floored.

"Wow, you look great!" I exclaimed, hugging her, and she did! But there was something else, she had changed somehow.

Like I said in my previous post, she always 'acted' older, but I failed to mention that she also dressed older too. But on this day, here she stood before me, finally dressing like a 49 year old woman and not like she was 70.

She looked - fantastic! No, wait, she looked happy.

As you all know by now, my relationship with Cindy was up and down. We could get along great on the phone and through the computer, but put us face to face and I'd clam up. I admit it - it was all me, but I had my reasons.

I am NOT a touchy feely kind of person, and Cindy was.

Now, down't get me wrong, I don't have an issue giving someone a hug hello, goodbye or if they obviously need comfort, or have done something nice for me, but not all-the-time.

Everytime Cindy would come for a visit, at some point, she'd corner me. I mean, literally, corner me. She actually followed me into the bathroom one day. Anyway, once she had me, she'd tell me how much she'd loved me, and how grateful she was that I was her sister. I would smile and say I love her too and give her a hug. But then it wouldn't stop. Later on she'd walk by and rub my back, pat my head, you'd turn around and she'd be there, and it would just make me uncomfortable.

So, my answer to this problem - avoid her. I didn't want to hurt her feelings and that just seems like the way to handle it. I'd make myself busy and preoccupied, constantly. Right or wrong - it's what I did.

During Christopher's birthday party my Mom wanted to get a family picture of us. We never had one done. My wedding, the holidays, someone always seemed to be missing or we didn't think of it when we were all there, so my Mom jumped on the chance.

So we lined up in my living room and my girlfriend took our picture. Little did I know it would be first, and the last family picture.

After Cindy left to go home, my mom called me with a concern in regards to my girlfriend staying with Cindy. I was furious that my mother butt her nose in, when everything was perfect, and told her if this wasn't going to work Cindy had better let me know asap so my girlfriend, who I now felt responsible for, could hopefully find another place to stay.

A few days later the phone rang and it was Cindy.

"We have a problem. I can't have your girlfriend stay here. I spoke with the landlord and she will raise my rent $100 and will keep it raised even after she leaves," she happily says.

Her tone infuriated me, and I didn't necessarily believe her 100%. Raising her rent $100 while she was there, okay, but that was the amount that my girlfriend was going to give her anyway. But for her landlord to keep it raised AFTER she left, I didn't buy it.

With my heart pounding in my chest, I reply, "That's just fine Cindy, but you know what, you should've talked to your landlord before you said she could stay with you!"

"What? She still has time to find something," she states, unconcerned. (Did I mention my girlfriend is barely 20?)

"It's not that easy for a young woman to find a safe place to stay in New York, Cindy. You should've checked all this out before you said she could stay! She accepted the internship on the grounds of having someplace to live."

"I'm sorry," she says, finally getting that I'm pissed and this IS a big deal.

"I gotta go. I can't do this right now," I stammer out, shitting a brick, because I have just royally screwed my friend, when all I wanted to do was help.

"I'm sorry," she repeats.

"I gotta go." I hang up, pissed.

I call my brother and ask if he knows anyone looking for a roommate. He says no, but he'll ask around. I immediately email my girlfriend explaining the situation, and apologize emphatically. I email EVERYONE I am friends with on facebook that I know lives in one of the five boroughs, begging for help.

Thankfullymy girlfriend was more than understanding, and wasn't mad at all. I, however, wasn't as understanding or forgiving.

I am stubborn.

I hold grudges.

These are some of my many faults. I am not proud of them, but it is who I am.

About two weeks later Mother's day arrives. The phone rings and it's Cindy. I knew she'd call, she always does. I don't answer, she doesn't leave a message. A few hours later, the phone rings. It's Cindy. I don't answer, she doesn't leave a message.

We sit down for dinner, the phone rings, I look at caller ID and say to myself, "Okay, she's being a bigger person than me, I know that. Maybe I should just answer it." But, I still don't answer it, and this time she leaves a message. I listen to the message of her wishing me a happy mother's day and then delete it.

About a week later, I'm sitting at work and there's a nagging, non-stop feeling that I need to drop this. My girlfriend found another place by this time, and I needed to let all this go. I needed to stop being mad at my Mom and just move on. Granted, I was still mad at Cindy, but I needed to move on with my mother.

The voice in my head wouldn't stop.

It was relentless.

It was screaming!

So, I IM'd my husband, and emailed one of my best friends.

"You have every right to be mad! If you want to drop it, go ahead, but you have a right. You tried to help and it got all screwed up and put you in a bad position," my husband responds.

My girlfriend responds, "She's your mom. You're only mom. You need to forget about it."

I silenced the voices in my head and went back to work.

If I knew then, what I know now...